Beneficial effects of nicotine and cigarette smoking: the real, the possible and the spurious J A Baron Abstract Cigarette smoking is an established risk factor for cancer and cardiovascular disease, and is the leading cause of avoidable disease in most industrialized countries. Less well-known are possible beneficial effects, which are briefly considered in this survey. Preliminary data suggest that there may be inverse associations of smoking with uterine fibroids and endometriosis, and protective effects on hypertensive disorders and vomiting of pregnancy are likely. Smoking has consistently been found to be inversely related to the risk of endometrial cancer, but cancers of the breast and colon seem unrelated to smoking. Inverse associations with venous thrombosis and fatality after myocardial infarction are probably not causal, but indications of benefits with regard to recurrent aphthous ulcers, ulcerative colitis, and control of body weight may well reflect a genuine benefit. Evidence is growing that cigarette smoking and nicotine may prevent or ameliorate Parkinson's disease, and could do so in Alzheimer's dementia. A variety of mechanisms for potentially beneficial effects of smoking have been proposed, but three predominate: the 'anti-estrogenic effect' of smoking; alterations in prostaglandin production; and stimulation of nicotinic cholinergic receptors in the central nervous system. Even established inverse associations cannot be used as a rationale for cigarette smoking. These data can be used, however, to clarify mechanisms of disease, and point to productive treatment or preventive options with more narrowly-acting interventions. Suddenly, I awaken with a start. The night is pitch black. And no one else is in the house. It's scary, being alone in the dark. So to find everyone, I head out into the garden. Our mansion's gardens are vast fields of green. Surrounded by a thick, dense forest. With the trees blanketing out the light, almost like a massive curtain. Like a stage in a theater somewhere. The curtain of trees opens with a swishing sound. Excitement fills me, anticipating the beginning of the grand play. In the distance, I hear the sound of echoes, beyond the black curtain of trees. Inside the forest, the sounds of everyone happily playing around. The curtain doesn't open yet. Unable to restrain myself, I wander into the darkness of the forest. Darkness surrounds me― A blackness so deep, it's suffocating― Not even the calming rays of the moonlight can reach this deep. The air is cold― A winter's chill so deep, my eyes feel like they'll freeze. For a brief moment, I thought I heard someone call my name, so I walk even deeper into the forest. After passing through the veil of trees, I find everyone waiting for me in the forest clearing. But, something is wrong― Everyone is lying on the ground― ―― Everyone is lying on the ground―― in pieces― The clearing is bathed in red. ―――I don't understand. A stranger approaches. The look on his face says he wants to rip me apart― ―――I don't understand at all― But, someone else, someone I don't know― steps in front of me, and is torn apart in my place. ―――I'm just a kid, so, I really don't understand. A splash. Something warm and wet hits my face. It's red― A red liquid, red like a tomato. The person that was torn apart, that person I called "mom", never called my name again. ―――――I really don't understand. But it is just so cruel― I wanted to cry, I just felt like crying. Warm crimson blurs my vision. Seeping into my eyes. But it doesn't bother me at all. The lonely moon floats above me, bearing witness in the night sky. It's strange. Why didn't I realize until now? ―――Such a cold, horrible nightmare. Yes―――I didn't realize it. That tonight― The moon is so――――――beautiful―――― It is very seldom that mere ordinary people like John and myself secure ancestral halls for the summer. A colonial mansion, a hereditary estate, I would say a haunted house, and reach the height of romantic felicity—but that would be asking too much of fate! Still I will proudly declare that there is something queer about it. Else, why should it be let so cheaply? And why have stood so long untenanted? John laughs at me, of course, but one expects that in marriage. John is practical in the extreme. He has no patience with faith, an intense horror of superstition, and he scoffs openly at any talk of things not to be felt and seen and put down in figures. John is a physician, and perhaps—(I would not say it to a living soul, of course, but this is dead paper and a great relief to my mind)—perhaps that is one reason I do not get well faster. You see, he does not believe I am sick! And what can one do? If a physician of high standing, and one’s own husband, assures friends and relatives that there is really nothing the matter with one but temporary nervous depression—a slight hysterical tendency—what is one to do? My brother is also a physician, and also of high standing, and he says the same thing. So I take phosphates or phosphites—whichever it is, and tonics, and journeys, and air, and exercise, and am absolutely forbidden to “work” until I am well again. Personally, I disagree with their ideas. Personally, I believe that congenial work, with excitement and change, would do me good. But what is one to do? I did write for a while in spite of them; but it does exhaust me a good deal—having to be so sly about it, or else meet with heavy opposition. I sometimes fancy that in my condition if I had less opposition and more society and stimulus—but John says the very worst thing I can do is to think about my condition, and I confess it always makes me feel bad. So I will let it alone and talk about the house. The most beautiful place! It is quite alone, standing well back from the road, quite three miles from the village. It makes me think of English places that you read about, for there are hedges and walls and gates that lock, and lots of separate little houses for the gardeners and people. There is a delicious garden! I never saw such a garden—large and shady, full of box-bordered paths, and lined with long grape-covered arbors with seats under them. There were greenhouses, too, but they are all broken now. There was some legal trouble, I believe, something about the heirs and co-heirs; anyhow, the place has been empty for years. That spoils my ghostliness, I am afraid; but I don’t care—there is something strange about the house—I can feel it. I even said so to John one moonlight evening, but he said what I felt was a draught, and shut the window. I get unreasonably angry with John sometimes. I’m sure I never used to be so sensitive. I think it is due to this nervous condition. But John says if I feel so I shall neglect proper self-control; so I take pains to control myself,—before him, at least,—and that makes me very tired. I don’t like our room a bit. I wanted one downstairs that opened on the piazza and had roses all over the window, and such pretty old-fashioned chintz hangings! but John would not hear of it. He said there was only one window and not room for two beds, and no near room for him if he took another. He is very careful and loving, and hardly lets me stir without special direction. I have a schedule prescription for each hour in the day; he takes all care from me, and so I feel basely ungrateful not to value it more. He said we came here solely on my account, that I was to have perfect rest and all the air I could get. “Your exercise depends on your strength, my dear,” said he, “and your food somewhat on your appetite; but air you can absorb all the time.” So we took the nursery, at the top of the house. It is a big, airy room, the whole floor nearly, with windows that look all ways, and air and sunshine galore. It was nursery first and then playground and gymnasium, I should judge; for the windows are barred for little children, and there are rings and things in the walls. The paint and paper look as if a boys’ school had used it. It is stripped off—the paper—in great patches all around the head of my bed, about as far as I can reach, and in a great place on the other side of the room low down. I never saw a worse paper in my life. One of those sprawling flamboyant patterns committing every artistic sin. It is dull enough to confuse the eye in following, pronounced enough to constantly irritate, and provoke study, and when you follow the lame, uncertain curves for a little distance they suddenly commit suicide—plunge off at outrageous angles, destroy themselves in unheard-of contradictions. The color is repellant, almost revolting; a smouldering, unclean yellow, strangely faded by the slow-turning sunlight. It is a dull yet lurid orange in some places, a sickly sulphur tint in others. No wonder the children hated it! I should hate it myself if I had to live in this room long. There comes John, and I must put this away,—he hates to have me write a word. We have been here two weeks, and I haven’t felt like writing before, since that first day. I am sitting by the window now, up in this atrocious nursery, and there is nothing to hinder my writing as much as I please, save lack of strength. John is away all day, and even some nights when his cases are serious. I am glad my case is not serious! But these nervous troubles are dreadfully depressing. John does not know how much I really suffer. He knows there is no reason to suffer, and that satisfies him. Of course it is only nervousness. It does weigh on me so not to do my duty in any way! I meant to be such a help to John, such a real rest and comfort, and here I am a comparative burden already! Nobody would believe what an effort it is to do what little I am able—to dress and entertain, and order things. It is fortunate Mary is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with him, it makes me so nervous. I suppose John never was nervous in his life. He laughs at me so about this wallpaper! At first he meant to repaper the room, but afterwards he said that I was letting it get the better of me, and that nothing was worse for a nervous patient than to give way to such fancies. He said that after the wallpaper was changed it would be the heavy bedstead, and then the barred windows, and then that gate at the head of the stairs, and so on. “You know the place is doing you good,” he said, “and really, dear, I don’t care to renovate the house just for a three months’ rental.” “Then do let us go downstairs,” I said, “there are such pretty rooms there.” Then he took me in his arms and called me a blessed little goose, and said he would go down cellar if I wished, and have it whitewashed into the bargain. But he is right enough about the beds and windows and things. It is as airy and comfortable a room as any one need wish, and, of course, I would not be so silly as to make him uncomfortable just for a whim. I’m really getting quite fond of the big room, all but that horrid paper. Out of one window I can see the garden, those mysterious deep-shaded arbors, the riotous old-fashioned flowers, and bushes and gnarly trees. Out of another I get a lovely view of the bay and a little private wharf belonging to the estate. There is a beautiful shaded lane that runs down there from the house. I always fancy I see people walking in these numerous paths and arbors, but John has cautioned me not to give way to fancy in the least. He says that with my imaginative power and habit of story-making a nervous weakness like mine is sure to lead to all manner of excited fancies, and that I ought to use my will and good sense to check the tendency. So I try. I think sometimes that if I were only well enough to write a little it would relieve the press of ideas and rest me. But I find I get pretty tired when I try. It is so discouraging not to have any advice and companionship about my work. When I get really well John says we will ask Cousin Henry and Julia down for a long visit; but he says he would as soon put fire-works in my pillow-case as to let me have those stimulating people about now. I wish I could get well faster. But I must not think about that. This paper looks to me as if it knew what a vicious influence it had! There is a recurrent spot where the pattern lolls like a broken neck and two bulbous eyes stare at you upside-down. I get positively angry with the impertinence of it and the everlastingness. Up and down and sideways they crawl, and those absurd, unblinking eyes are everywhere. There is one place where two breadths didn’t match, and the eyes go all up and down the line, one a little higher than the other. I never saw so much expression in an inanimate thing before, and we all know how much expression they have! I used to lie awake as a child and get more entertainment and terror out of blank walls and plain furniture than most children could find in a toy-store. I remember what a kindly wink the knobs of our big old bureau used to have, and there was one chair that always seemed like a strong friend. I used to feel that if any of the other things looked too fierce I could always hop into that chair and be safe. The furniture in this room is no worse than inharmonious, however, for we had to bring it all from downstairs. I suppose when this was used as a playroom they had to take the nursery things out, and no wonder! I never saw such ravages as the children have made here. The wallpaper, as I said before, is torn off in spots, and it sticketh closer than a brother—they must have had perseverance as well as hatred. Then the floor is scratched and gouged and splintered, the plaster itself is dug out here and there, and this great heavy bed, which is all we found in the room, looks as if it had been through the wars. But I don’t mind it a bit—only the paper. There comes John’s sister. Such a dear girl as she is, and so careful of me! I must not let her find me writing. She is a perfect, and enthusiastic housekeeper, and hopes for no better profession. I verily believe she thinks it is the writing which made me sick! But I can write when she is out, and see her a long way off from these windows. There is one that commands the road, a lovely, shaded, winding road, and one that just looks off over the country. A lovely country, too, full of great elms and velvet meadows. This wallpaper has a kind of sub-pattern in a different shade, a particularly irritating one, for you can only see it in certain lights, and not clearly then. But in the places where it isn’t faded, and where the sun is just so, I can see a strange, provoking, formless sort of figure, that seems to sulk about behind that silly and conspicuous front design. There’s sister on the stairs! Well, the Fourth of July is over! The people are gone and I am tired out. John thought it might do me good to see a little company, so we just had mother and Nellie and the children down for a week. Of course I didn’t do a thing. Jennie sees to everything now. But it tired me all the same. John says if I don’t pick up faster he shall send me to Weir Mitchell in the fall. But I don’t want to go there at all. I had a friend who was in his hands once, and she says he is just like John and my brother, only more so! Besides, it is such an undertaking to go so far. I don’t feel as if it was worth while to turn my hand over for anything, and I’m getting dreadfully fretful and querulous. I cry at nothing, and cry most of the time. Of course I don’t when John is here, or anybody else, but when I am alone. And I am alone a good deal just now. John is kept in town very often by serious cases, and Jennie is good and lets me alone when I want her to. So I walk a little in the garden or down that lovely lane, sit on the porch under the roses, and lie down up here a good deal. I’m getting really fond of the room in spite of the wallpaper. Perhaps because of the wallpaper. It dwells in my mind so! I lie here on this great immovable bed—it is nailed down, I believe—and follow that pattern about by the hour. It is as good as gymnastics, I assure you. I start, we’ll say, at the bottom, down in the corner over there where it has not been touched, and I determine for the thousandth time that I will follow that pointless pattern to some sort of a conclusion. I know a little of the principle of design, and I know this thing was not arranged on any laws of radiation, or alternation, or repetition, or symmetry, or anything else that I ever heard of. It is repeated, of course, by the breadths, but not otherwise. Looked at in one way each breadth stands alone, the bloated curves and flourishes—a kind of “debased Romanesque” with delirium tremens—go waddling up and down in isolated columns of fatuity. But, on the other hand, they connect diagonally, and the sprawling outlines run off in great slanting waves of optic horror, like a lot of wallowing seaweeds in full chase. The whole thing goes horizontally, too, at least it seems so, and I exhaust myself in trying to distinguish the order of its going in that direction. They have used a horizontal breadth for a frieze, and that adds wonderfully to the confusion. There is one end of the room where it is almost intact, and there, when the cross-lights fade and the low sun shines directly upon it, I can almost fancy radiation after all,—the interminable grotesques seem to form around a common centre and rush off in headlong plunges of equal distraction. It makes me tired to follow it. I will take a nap, I guess. I don’t know why I should write this. I don’t want to. I don’t feel able. And I know John would think it absurd. But I must say what I feel and think in some way—it is such a relief! But the effort is getting to be greater than the relief. Half the time now I am awfully lazy, and lie down ever so much. John says I mustn’t lose my strength, and has me take cod-liver oil and lots of tonics and things, to say nothing of ale and wine and rare meat. Dear John! He loves me very dearly, and hates to have me sick. I tried to have a real earnest reasonable talk with him the other day, and tell him how I wish he would let me go and make a visit to Cousin Henry and Julia. But he said I wasn’t able to go, nor able to stand it after I got there; and I did not make out a very good case for myself, for I was crying before I had finished. It is getting to be a great effort for me to think straight. Just this nervous weakness, I suppose. And dear John gathered me up in his arms, and just carried me upstairs and laid me on the bed, and sat by me and read to me till it tired my head. He said I was his darling and his comfort and all he had, and that I must take care of myself for his sake, and keep well. He says no one but myself can help me out of it, that I must use my will and self-control and not let any silly fancies run away with me. There’s one comfort, the baby is well and happy, and does not have to occupy this nursery with the horrid wallpaper. If we had not used it that blessed child would have! What a fortunate escape! Why, I wouldn’t have a child of mine, an impressionable little thing, live in such a room for worlds. I never thought of it before, but it is lucky that John kept me here after all. I can stand it so much easier than a baby, you see. Of course I never mention it to them any more,—I am too wise,—but I keep watch of it all the same. There are things in that paper that nobody knows but me, or ever will. Behind that outside pattern the dim shapes get clearer every day. It is always the same shape, only very numerous. And it is like a woman stooping down and creeping about behind that pattern. I don’t like it a bit. I wonder—I begin to think—I wish John would take me away from here! It is so hard to talk with John about my case, because he is so wise, and because he loves me so. But I tried it last night. It was moonlight. The moon shines in all around, just as the sun does. I hate to see it sometimes, it creeps so slowly, and always comes in by one window or another. John was asleep and I hated to waken him, so I kept still and watched the moonlight on that undulating wallpaper till I felt creepy. The faint figure behind seemed to shake the pattern, just as if she wanted to get out. I got up softly and went to feel and see if the paper did move, and when I came back John was awake. “What is it, little girl?” he said. “Don’t go walking about like that—you’ll get cold.” I thought it was a good time to talk, so I told him that I really was not gaining here, and that I wished he would take me away. “Why darling!” said he, “our lease will be up in three weeks, and I can’t see how to leave before. “The repairs are not done at home, and I cannot possibly leave town just now. Of course if you were in any danger I could and would, but you really are better, dear, whether you can see it or not. I am a doctor, dear, and I know. You are gaining flesh and color, your appetite is better. I feel really much easier about you.” “I don’t weigh a bit more,” said I, “nor as much; and my appetite may be better in the evening, when you are here, but it is worse in the morning when you are away.” “Bless her little heart!” said he with a big hug; “she shall be as sick as she pleases! But now let’s improve the shining hours by going to sleep, and talk about it in the morning!” “And you won’t go away?” I asked gloomily. “Why, how can I, dear? It is only three weeks more and then we will take a nice little trip of a few days while Jennie is getting the house ready. Really, dear, you are better!” “Better in body perhaps”—I began, and stopped short, for he sat up straight and looked at me with such a stern, reproachful look that I could not say another word. “My darling,” said he, “I beg of you, for my sake and for our child’s sake, as well as for your own, that you will never for one instant let that idea enter your mind! There is nothing so dangerous, so fascinating, to a temperament like yours. It is a false and foolish fancy. Can you not trust me as a physician when I tell you so?” So of course I said no more on that score, and we went to sleep before long. He thought I was asleep first, but I wasn’t,—I lay there for hours trying to decide whether that front pattern and the back pattern really did move together or separately. On a pattern like this, by daylight, there is a lack of sequence, a defiance of law, that is a constant irritant to a normal mind. The color is hideous enough, and unreliable enough, and infuriating enough, but the pattern is torturing. You think you have mastered it, but just as you get well under way in following, it turns a back somersault and there you are. It slaps you in the face, knocks you down, and tramples upon you. It is like a bad dream. The outside pattern is a florid arabesque, reminding one of a fungus. If you can imagine a toadstool in joints, an interminable string of toadstools, budding and sprouting in endless convolutions,—why, that is something like it. That is, sometimes! There is one marked peculiarity about this paper, a thing nobody seems to notice but myself, and that is that it changes as the light changes. When the sun shoots in through the east window—I always watch for that first long, straight ray—it changes so quickly that I never can quite believe it. That is why I watch it always. By moonlight—the moon shines in all night when there is a moon—I wouldn’t know it was the same paper. At night in any kind of light, in twilight, candlelight, lamplight, and worst of all by moonlight, it becomes bars! The outside pattern I mean, and the woman behind it is as plain as can be. I didn’t realize for a long time what the thing was that showed behind,—that dim sub-pattern,—but now I am quite sure it is a woman. By daylight she is subdued, quiet. I fancy it is the pattern that keeps her so still. It is so puzzling. It keeps me quiet by the hour. I lie down ever so much now. John says it is good for me, and to sleep all I can. Indeed, he started the habit by making me lie down for an hour after each meal. It is a very bad habit, I am convinced, for, you see, I don’t sleep. And that cultivates deceit, for I don’t tell them I’m awake,—oh, no! The fact is, I am getting a little afraid of John. He seems very queer sometimes, and even Jennie has an inexplicable look. It strikes me occasionally, just as a scientific hypothesis, that perhaps it is the paper! I have watched John when he did not know I was looking, and come into the room suddenly on the most innocent excuses, and I’ve caught him several times looking at the paper! And Jennie too. I caught Jennie with her hand on it once. She didn’t know I was in the room, and when I asked her in a quiet, a very quiet voice, with the most restrained manner possible, what she was doing with the paper she turned around as if she had been caught stealing, and looked quite angry—asked me why I should frighten her so! Then she said that the paper stained everything it touched, that she had found yellow smooches on all my clothes and John’s, and she wished we would be more careful! Did not that sound innocent? But I know she was studying that pattern, and I am determined that nobody shall find it out but myself! Life is very much more exciting now than it used to be. You see I have something more to expect, to look forward to, to watch. I really do eat better, and am more quiet than I was. John is so pleased to see me improve! He laughed a little the other day, and said I seemed to be flourishing in spite of my wallpaper. I turned it off with a laugh. I had no intention of telling him it was because of the wallpaper—he would make fun of me. He might even want to take me away. I don’t want to leave now until I have found it out. There is a week more, and I think that will be enough. I’m feeling ever so much better! I don’t sleep much at night, for it is so interesting to watch developments; but I sleep a good deal in the daytime. In the daytime it is tiresome and perplexing. There are always new shoots on the fungus, and new shades of yellow all over it. I cannot keep count of them, though I have tried conscientiously. It is the strangest yellow, that wallpaper! It makes me think of all the yellow things I ever saw—not beautiful ones like buttercups, but old foul, bad yellow things. But there is something else about that paper—the smell! I noticed it the moment we came into the room, but with so much air and sun it was not bad. Now we have had a week of fog and rain, and whether the windows are open or not, the smell is here. It creeps all over the house. I find it hovering in the dining-room, skulking in the parlor, hiding in the hall, lying in wait for me on the stairs. It gets into my hair. Even when I go to ride, if I turn my head suddenly and surprise it—there is that smell! Such a peculiar odor, too! I have spent hours in trying to analyze it, to find what it smelled like. It is not bad—at first, and very gentle, but quite the subtlest, most enduring odor I ever met. In this damp weather it is awful. I wake up in the night and find it hanging over me. It used to disturb me at first. I thought seriously of burning the house—to reach the smell. But now I am used to it. The only thing I can think of that it is like is the color of the paper! A yellow smell. There is a very funny mark on this wall, low down, near the mopboard. A streak that runs round the room. It goes behind every piece of furniture, except the bed, a long, straight, even smooch, as if it had been rubbed over and over. I wonder how it was done and who did it, and what they did it for. Round and round and round—round and round and round—it makes me dizzy! I really have discovered something at last. Through watching so much at night, when it changes so, I have finally found out. The front pattern does move—and no wonder! The woman behind shakes it! Sometimes I think there are a great many women behind, and sometimes only one, and she crawls around fast, and her crawling shakes it all over. Then in the very bright spots she keeps still, and in the very shady spots she just takes hold of the bars and shakes them hard. And she is all the time trying to climb through. But nobody could climb through that pattern—it strangles so; I think that is why it has so many heads. They get through, and then the pattern strangles them off and turns them upside-down, and makes their eyes white! If those heads were covered or taken off it would not be half so bad. I think that woman gets out in the daytime! And I’ll tell you why—privately—I’ve seen her! I can see her out of every one of my windows! It is the same woman, I know, for she is always creeping, and most women do not creep by daylight. I see her on that long shaded lane, creeping up and down. I see her in those dark grape arbors, creeping all around the garden. I see her on that long road under the trees, creeping along, and when a carriage comes she hides under the blackberry vines. I don’t blame her a bit. It must be very humiliating to be caught creeping by daylight! I always lock the door when I creep by daylight. I can’t do it at night, for I know John would suspect something at once. And John is so queer now, that I don’t want to irritate him. I wish he would take another room! Besides, I don’t want anybody to get that woman out at night but myself. I often wonder if I could see her out of all the windows at once. But, turn as fast as I can, I can only see out of one at one time. And though I always see her she may be able to creep faster than I can turn! I have watched her sometimes away off in the open country, creeping as fast as a cloud shadow in a high wind. If only that top pattern could be gotten off from the under one! I mean to try it, little by little. I have found out another funny thing, but I shan’t tell it this time! It does not do to trust people too much. There are only two more days to get this paper off, and I believe John is beginning to notice. I don’t like the look in his eyes. And I heard him ask Jennie a lot of professional questions about me. She had a very good report to give. She said I slept a good deal in the daytime. John knows I don’t sleep very well at night, for all I’m so quiet! He asked me all sorts of questions, too, and pretended to be very loving and kind. As if I couldn’t see through him! Still, I don’t wonder he acts so, sleeping under this paper for three months. It only interests me, but I feel sure John and Jennie are secretly affected by it. Hurrah! This is the last day, but it is enough. John is to stay in town over night, and won’t be out until this evening. Jennie wanted to sleep with me—the sly thing! but I told her I should undoubtedly rest better for a night all alone. That was clever, for really I wasn’t alone a bit! As soon as it was moonlight, and that poor thing began to crawl and shake the pattern, I got up and ran to help her. I pulled and she shook, I shook and she pulled, and before morning we had peeled off yards of that paper. A strip about as high as my head and half around the room. And then when the sun came and that awful pattern began to laugh at me I declared I would finish it to-day! We go away to-morrow, and they are moving all my furniture down again to leave things as they were before. Jennie looked at the wall in amazement, but I told her merrily that I did it out of pure spite at the vicious thing. She laughed and said she wouldn’t mind doing it herself, but I must not get tired. How she betrayed herself that time! But I am here, and no person touches this paper but me—not alive! She tried to get me out of the room—it was too patent! But I said it was so quiet and empty and clean now that I believed I would lie down again and sleep all I could; and not to wake me even for dinner—I would call when I woke. So now she is gone, and the servants are gone, and the things are gone, and there is nothing left but that great bedstead nailed down, with the canvas mattress we found on it. We shall sleep downstairs to-night, and take the boat home to-morrow. I quite enjoy the room, now it is bare again. How those children did tear about here! This bedstead is fairly gnawed! But I must get to work. I have locked the door and thrown the key down into the front path. I don’t want to go out, and I don’t want to have anybody come in, till John comes. I want to astonish him. I’ve got a rope up here that even Jennie did not find. If that woman does get out, and tries to get away, I can tie her! But I forgot I could not reach far without anything to stand on! This bed will not move! I tried to lift and push it until I was lame, and then I got so angry I bit off a little piece at one corner—but it hurt my teeth. Then I peeled off all the paper I could reach standing on the floor. It sticks horribly and the pattern just enjoys it! All those strangled heads and bulbous eyes and waddling fungus growths just shriek with derision! I am getting angry enough to do something desperate. To jump out of the window would be admirable exercise, but the bars are too strong even to try. Besides I wouldn’t do it. Of course not. I know well enough that a step like that is improper and might be misconstrued. I don’t like to look out of the windows even—there are so many of those creeping women, and they creep so fast. I wonder if they all come out of that wallpaper as I did? But I am securely fastened now by my well-hidden rope—you don’t get me out in the road there! I suppose I shall have to get back behind the pattern when it comes night, and that is hard! It is so pleasant to be out in this great room and creep around as I please! I don’t want to go outside. I won’t, even if Jennie asks me to. For outside you have to creep on the ground, and everything is green instead of yellow. But here I can creep smoothly on the floor, and my shoulder just fits in that long smooch around the wall, so I cannot lose my way. Why, there’s John at the door! It is no use, young man, you can’t open it! How he does call and pound! Now he’s crying for an axe. It would be a shame to break down that beautiful door! “John dear!” said I in the gentlest voice, “the key is down by the front steps, under a plantain leaf!” That silenced him for a few moments. Then he said—very quietly indeed, “Open the door, my darling!” “I can’t,” said I. “The key is down by the front door under a plantain leaf!” And then I said it again, several times, very gently and slowly, and said it so often that he had to go and see, and he got it, of course, and came in. He stopped short by the door. “What is the matter?” he cried. “For God’s sake, what are you doing!” I kept on creeping just the same, but I looked at him over my shoulder. “I’ve got out at last,” said I, “in spite of you and Jane! And I’ve pulled off most of the paper, so you can’t put me back!” Now why should that man have fainted? But he did, and right across my path by the wall, so that I had to creep over him every time! Day 7: Entry 1/Meaning It's been a week since I got here. Saix told me to keep a diary, but he said nobody would check it. What am I supposed to write about? Today they told us to go to the Round Room, where we met our new member, No. XIV. Was I like that when I first got here? I think I was. But I don't remember too well. A name defines an object. Describes the span of it. Gives it purpose. We embarked upon the Replica Program to ensure our new power stays ours. Now, our shadow puppet, "No. i" lives. It needs a name. Something to define it. To give the hallow vessel purpose. Day 8: Entry 2/Roxas Axel and I went to Twilight Town today. He taught me a lot. Before we RTC'd (Returned To the Castle) we swung by the clock tower and had some sea-salt ice cream. Axel called it the "icing on the cake" after a successful mission. Well, except there was no cake-just the ice cream. I don't know what to write in this thing! Seems like we're getting new members every day. No. XII was a boy, Roxas. Now we've got a No. XIV, Xion. Today's mission was to show Roxas the ropes. I feel like they've had me babysitting him since he got here. He's not a bad kid, but he's spacey. Good fighter, though. At least I won't be bored. Day 9: Entry 3/On Track The past few days, the other members have been showing me how to fight and do mission stuff. They also told me more about the Organization, and about myself. I still don't really get what a "heart" is. But apparently, it's a vital piece of who I am-so I've decided to cooperate. If I collect enough hearts, I can complete Kingdom Hearts. Then I'll be whole. Xion is being monitored. Roxas, meanwhile, has begun his training exercises. It is imperative that we keep Xion from having undue contact with Roxas until we are certian it will perform as expected-which will take another 10 days, if Vexen's convictions are to be trusted. As for the Keyblade master, Marluxia will no doubt keep an eye on him. Day 14: Entry 4 Me and Axel went on a mission to Twilight Town. Afterwards, we went and had ice cream again up on the clock tower. He said friends do stuff like that. Or they laugh together. So does that mean me and him are friends? Day 15: Entry 5 The other members have been teaching me more about how to fight and stuff. It's going, I guess. Every day after work, I've been meeting Axel at the clock tower to have sea-salt ice cream. It really is salty! But still sweet, too. How come it tastes so familiar? Day 22: Entry 6 Axel is going to some place called Castle Oblivion. He told me because we're friends. He had to go home carly to get ready, and after he left I noticed the word WINNER on my ice cream stick. I wonder what I won... I'll ask him when I see him tomorrow. Day 23: Entry 7/Research Entry 326 Axel left before I woke up this morning. I never got to ask him about the ice cream stick. I was partnered up with No. XIV for today's mission. Xion wore a hood the whole time and wouldn't say a word to me. Come to think of it, I didn't have a whole lot to say, either. Afterwards I went and had ice cream by myself. The Program is largely on target. No. i, my finest replica, have proven an even greater success than anticipated. I intend to take the other vessel-judged unfit for number status-to Castle Oblivion, where I will subject it to further testing. One thing is clear: could these Replicas not be classified as a special sort of Nobody? Day 24: Entry 8/The Upper Floors I teamed up with No. XIV again today. We finally talked a little-Xion even said my name for the first time. Afterwards I had ice cream by myself again. The lady at the shop said you can trade the WINNER stick for an extra bar. But I can't eat more than one. Marliuxia has succeeded in leading the Keyblade master into the castle. I sense multiple threads at work, but details on each of the projects are scarce. I suspect some alleged Organization projects are secretly private machinations. Marliuxia seems especially supsect. Day 25: Entry 9 Today was my third day with Xion. I've gotten to know a little more about her. That's right-she's a girl, with black hair, and she can use the Keyblade just like me! I took her out for ice cream afterwards, but I'm saving the WINNER stick. Axel deserves a reward when he gets back. Xion wants to have ice cream with us from now on. Maybe we'll be friends. Day 26: How Long?/Axel's Actions I only remember part of this day. I heard somebody sent to Castle Oblivion was terminated. Saix said it may have been Axel. I tried to ask Xigbar about it on the day's mission, and he said nothing's left of Nobodies once we're gone, because we have no hearts to leave behind. I don't remember much after that. They say I collapsed and wouldn't wake up... Simple deduction suggests Axel outwardly inscrutable actions are the result of some directive from Saix. Why else eliminate Vexen? He simply wanted to do research. Did we not all stand to gain from the fruits of his Program? What is Axel thinking? Day 27:--/Organization Dog Axel is in the way, though I don't know if he's aware of our plot. Vexen had no part in our plans-why eliminate him, assuming Axel's orders were to root out traitors to the Organization? Discerning his motives merits our full attention. Day 28:--/Dealing with the Traitors I've uncovered most of what I need to know about the Replica Program, but where's the other one? I can't find any trace of it. ...Vexen was caught in the middle. Pitable, but unavoidable. I could not risk his Program falling into their hands. Of greater concern are the traitors. Not the obvious turncoats, but the ones who will get in his and my way. The Keyblade master is not our enemy. Day 50: Xion's Seashells/Strange Feeling I must have missed a lot. It's like I had the longest dream. I woke up to find a bunch of seashells by my pillow. I counted them-one for each day they said I was asleep. I was wondering who left them there, but then when I got to the clock tower, Xion gave me another one. I held it up to my ear, and I could hear the ocean... Why did it sound so familiar? The stuff I dreamed about felt strangely familiar, too. I remember being in a white room with somebody the same age as me wearing red clothes...and then he sort of disappeard into the white. And there was a girl's voice- she said she knew I'd be "snoozing." Why would she know that? The voice was a little like Xion's. Roxas woke up today. I think he was dreaming the whole time. Being with feels strange. Familiar. Like listing to the waves crash up against the shore. But why? Day 51: Annihilated It sounds like the worst has come to pass: the whole C.O. team, wiped from existence. It's hard to come to grips with the idea that Axel is gone. I feel...choked up? I don't know what you'd call it. I've never had this kind of sensation. I went up to the clock tower to have ice cream, but nobody else showed up. Day 52: Ice Cream Alone I sit up on the clock tower, but no one comes. Not Axel, not even Xion. That weird lump in my throat won't go away. Something else is bothering me. This is gonna sound crazy (good thing this is a private diary!) but these pictures keep flashing through my head. Not all the time, just sometimes... Ever since I collapsed. It happens when I'm awake too-on missions-so I don't think it's a dream. Where are the pictures coming from? Day 71: Axel's Back After work, Axel turned up. Just like that, out of nowhere. I didn't know what to say. I thought we'd lost him for good. We went up to the clock tower and talked for a while. I told him about Xion. The choked-up sensation has gone away. Day 72: Ice Cream with Axel Me and Axel went to Agrabah. He seems different now that he's back from C.O. Ice cream was just the two of us today. I wonder when me and Axel and Xion will all get to have ice cream together. Day 73: Where's Xion? After I finished my mission I wanted all three of us to have ice cream, but I couldn't find Xion. It's been at least ten days since I've seen her. Axel said he'd ask Saix what was going on. Speaking of Axel, I didn't see him at the clock tower today. Day 74: The Three of Us/Xion's Face My job today was to help Axel find Xion. It turns out she had gone missing, but we managed to find her. We finally got to all have ice cream together, which was nice, but Xion can't use her Keyblade anymore. Axel says friends help each other out, so I'm gonna go on missions with her until she remembers how to work the Keyblade herself. Honestly, I never got why Roxas was so crazy about Xion. I know they both joined up around the same time, and they're both rookies, but how do you get close to someone who hides their face all the time? Well, I saw it today. All of a sudden, No. XIV up and takes off...her hood. Xion is a girl, and she looks just like Namine. Day 75: Inseparble Me and Xion are working together now. The Genie we met in Agrabah said he and his friend Al are "inseparable." Axel told us best friends can be inseparable even if they're not always together, but it sounded like he wasn't too sure about it himself. I thought Axel knew everything. Oh well... That reminds me, those weird pictures flashed through my head again while I was in Agrabah. The guy in red I wrote about before... Has he been to Agrabah or something? Day 94: Kingdom Hearts Xemnas summoned us. Nothing he says ever makes sense to me. He showed us Kingdom Hearts, a big heart-shaped moon floating up there in the night sky, and said the human heart will never have power over us. Great...I guess? So why are we tryinng to get hearts again? Axel said I'll understand better once I have a heart, but I'm not so sure... Day 95: My Past/My Past I went to Agrabah today with Xion. We make a pretty good team now. Afterwards me and her and Axel talked about us and the other Nobodies. THe ones who make it into the Organization are powerful enough to keep their memories... But me and Xion can't remember our pasts. What was I like? Neither Roxas or I have any memory of our human lives. I don't even remember my first days as a Nobody. Roxas said he was the same, but I'm not so sure. For me, it's a total blank. I can't even remember the day I met Roxas, or Axel. It's all a blur. Day 96: Out of Trouble Today's mission was with Xion in Beast's Castle. I tried loaning her my Keyblade, and she had no problem using it. That meant I had to fight without it, but we got the job done. Afterwards Xion remembered how to summon her own Keyblade, so I guess we're out of trouble. When we were done, we all had ice cream together. Day 97: Our Place Every day, after work, the three of us have been going to our place on top of the clock tower to have ice cream. We don't talk about much, but I wouldn't miss these conversations for the world. I wonder if Axel and Xion feel the same way... Do the other Organization members hae their own routines? It's hard to picture. Day 117: Special Nobodies/Him and Roxas Today it was me and Xigbar. Axel and Xion went out on their own mission. Xigbar told me that Xion and me are "exceptional"-you know, like, special Nobodies. Because we can use the Keyblade? Work dragged on late, so I didn't make it up to the clock tower. I wonder if Xion and Axel made it. Those pictures started flashing through my head again on the mission. The boy in red... What's it all about? Maybe when Xigbar called my "special" he meant "crazy"... Seriously, though, is Xion experiencing the same thing? It fells weird to ask. Roxas is maturing at an impressive rate. His face, the way he handles the Keyblade, it's all exactly the same. The worlds seem so divided and alone, but there's always that steady thread there to connect them. And we Nobodies can never escape the things we did as humans. So it goes. Day 118: Vacation/You Changed, Not Me Today was my first vacation ever. I didn't know what to do with it. Axel said to do what I like, But all I like is having ice cream with my friends-so that's what I ended up doing. Axel leaves tomorrow for some kind of mission. Which reminds me-I still haven't given him the WINNER stick yet. Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. It's a weird sensation. I ought to be able to share this all with Saix, but I just don't feel like it anymore. It's strange, but I'm content with just missing what's gone. I'm not the one who changed. You did. Day 119: Something to Protect Axel has been gone forever. It's been just me and Xion at the clock tower. While me and Xaldin explored Beast's Castle, we found something he wants to protect... Xaldin says that's a weakness, but I'm not so sure. What does it mean to care about something that much? I don't, so it's hard to wrap my head around the whole idea. Day 149: WINNER Today's mission took me to a new world. It was a weird place. I was up on the clock tower afterwards when Axel turned up after being away forever. He said he finished that long mission. But this time Xion didn't show. I was gonna give Axel that WINNER stick, but I should wait until I get another one. It wouldn't be fair to leave Xion out. Day 150: Too Precious to Lose Xion didn't come to the clock tower again today. She and Saix had some kind of argument. Axel and I talked for a while about the things we can't bear to lose. Axel thinks that for Nobodies, it's our pasts, because that's all we have to remember the pain of losing something. I don't remember my past, but the idea of losing the present-Axel or Xion-scares me. Day 151: What Makes Us Different I ran into Xion in Twilight Town. I guess she messed up a mission pretty bad the other day, and it's been bugging her. We went up to the clock tower afterwards. She said me and her are different-which is pretty obvious if you look at us, but I don't think that's what she meant. A lot seems to be on her mind, and it's not the same as what's on mine. Day 152: I Don't Get It I think Xion might be mad at me, but I don't know why. Axel says girls are complicated. You can't press the wrong buttons. Like I'm supposed to know what the right ones are. Day 153: No Taste for It It's hard spending time with Xion, and Axel seems busy, too. I've been having ice cream alone, but it's just not the same. All I taste is the salt, and my hands get all sticky. It's like I'm going through the motions of eating it just so I can throw the stick out and get on with life. I must've had about a hundred of these things, and I still haven't found another WINNER. I never did find a way to ask Xion about the pictures that go through my head. I don't really know what to do about anything right now. Day 171: What's Love? On my mission at Beast's Castle, Xaldin told me about "love" and the special power it has over people. I triede to ask Axel about it, but his explanation didn't make any sense to me. Every time I ask him about this kind of thing, he tells me I need a heart to understand. It's like he's dodging the questions. Day 172: Xion's Collapsed/Meaning Behind the Words Xion failed her mission and now she's in a deep sleep. I thought they were lying o me when they told me, but I went to see her, and she really was just asleep. I left a seashell by her pillow, just like she did for me. Saix hates her. I don't know why. Maybe he knows more about her than the rest of us do. Those pictures flashed through my mind again on today's mission (the same boy in red as usual). I guess he's been to Wonderland. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I'm seeing. There has to be something to what Saix said. Why isn't Xion one of us? He said just look at her, but at what? The fact that she looks like Namine? Xion and Namine must be connected. Whose Nobody is Xion, anyways? What is Saix hiding? Day 173: Picking Up the Slack I've decided to work harder while Xion is asleep to pick up some of the slac. Axel said he asked Saix about her, but no dice. He did say that Saix was having second thoughts about calling her broke, though. I just hope w get all this drama ironed out soon, so she doesn't have to wake up to it. Day 174: Seashells for Her Xion hasn't woken up, but I'm pulling double duty to make up for it. Me and Axel talk about the dumbest stuff now. Afterwards we head back the castle, and I leave a seashell by Xion's pillow. It would please me to see her smile when she finds them. Those pictures flashed through my head again in Never Land. And when I flew, it felt like I'd done it before. Has the guy in red flown before, is that it? Day 193: Best Friends Xion's awake now. The three of us were gonna go get some ice cream after our mission, but she passed out again, so we had to take her home. I talked with Axel in her room until she woke up. He said the three of us were best friends-inseparable. Day 194: Even Far Apart We've all started going back to our usual spot after work. Sometimes Axel and Xion are waiting for me, other times I get there first. Things have gotten busier for us, so we can't all make it every day. But even if they're not there, at least now it seems like we're together again. I wonder if it seems that way to them, too. I forgot to ask Xion about the pictures in my had again... It was the same kid in red. Who is he? What does he have to do with me? Day 224: What's Gotten Into Her? I think something's wrong with Xion. Is she not feeling well again? Axel said we should all go to the beach next time we get a vacation. I think he senses something is wrong, too. That's why he suggested the beach-to make her feel better. Day 225: Something Must Be Wrong Okay, now I'm really worried about Xion. I told Axel, but all he said was that she'll get through it. He knows something is wrong. I bet he's just telling me that to put my mind at ease. Well, it's not working. Day 255: Now Axel's Acting Weird/Final Stages I had ice cream with Axel after work today, but Xion didn't show. Axel said she got sent on an important mission, but he wouldn't look at me when he said it. I've been wondering what's wrong with Xion all this time, but now that I stop and think about it, Axel's not himself either. Xion's appearance should vary based on the relation of the viewer to her. Saix simply see her as a puppet. The Program approaches completion. Through Roxas, Xion is assembling a copy if the hero of the keyblade. As proof, she sometimes appears to take on his form to my eyes. Day 256: Xion's Gone Missing Xion has gone missing, but nobody said anything about her being hurt, so that's good...I guess. Did she run off? That doesn't make any sense. Xemnas told us not to go after he. The way Saix explained it, it's almost like they don't think she's worth getting back. What is going on? Day 257: He's Avoiding Me I want to talk to Axel about Xion, but I can't seem to get ten seconds with the guy. What am I supposed to do? I can't believe he's avoiding me. We're supposed to be friends. Day 276: By the Sea I don't remember much about today's mission-just that it was by the beach. Or was it? The mission didn't even feel real. Me and Axel agreed to start looking for Xion tomorrow. Day 277: No Sign of Her I've looked everywhere for Xion, in every world, but there's just no sign of her. Where is she? Why did she leave the Organization? I don't get it, any of it. Day 296: Castle Oblivion There's one place we haven't checked yet to see if Xion's there-Castle Oblivion. When I brought it up with Axel, he surprised me by saying C.O. is where Xion comes from. I guess he just found out himself. Is that where she is? Day 297: Who is That Guy? I went to Castle Oblivion to find Xion, but I don't remember anything about it. Axel said I collapsed as soon as I got there. I woke up in Twilight Town, and incredibly enough, Xion was there. But she wasn't alone-there was this guy with her, and he was wearing the Organization's coat. I could tell by his build that he wasn't one of us, though. Who is he? Day 298: Some Other Way I don't believe it. Axel attacked Xion. There had to have been some other way. I know she's acting weird, but I hardly recognize Axel these days either. What's going through their heads? I feel so left out. Day 299: Sora? Xemnas told me that "Sora" is the connection between me and Xion. But just who exactly is Sora? Day 300: No Words For the first time in a while, the three of us met up on the clock tower. None of us really knew what to say. We used to talk each other's ears off, but I guess those days are gone. So much has happened lately that I've been forgetting to write about those pictures in my head. Now it happens even when I'm not on missions. More often, too. THey even show up in my dreams. Xion told me she has dreams, too. Is all of this connected? Day 301: My Dream I dream all the time now, but I don't sleep well. I wake up tired every day. I guess that makes them nightmares, not dreams. Xion and Axel don't come to the clock tower anymore. I thought maybe if I got everything off my chest with them, I might stop having the nightmares...but so much for testing that theroy. Day 321: No Energy Left/My Place I feel so tired-almost disconnected from my body. The dreams have gotten stranger. Now I wake up with water on my cheeks. I don't know how it got there, but I think there's something really wrong with me. Today I was teamed up with Xion. She seems to be in a lot better shape than me. We had ice cream together, something we hadn't done in a while. Axel's always helped me out, so I just assumed he would again. How long has he known me? Maybe since long before we met in Castle Oblivion. Be he told me to think for myself. I was so happy. But now, as I get stronger, Roxas keeps getting weaker. I shouldn't exist anymore. They say that Nobodies were never meant to exist, but I'm real affront. But before I'm gone, I want to help Roxas and Axel. Even just a little. I think the boy I saw today is the same Sora from my memories. Day 322: Another Dream I had another dream dream. My head feels heavy. I want to have ice cream with Xion and Axel again. Day 352: Us and the Sunset/What I Must Do Me and Xion and Axel had ice cream. The sunset was beautiful. I don't have to write anything else down, because I'll never forget this day. Riku gave me this time. Axel told me to spend it thinking for myself. The Organization is determined to erase either me or Roxas. They'll never allow us to coexist. I love Roxas and Axel. I'm sure Saix would scoff at that. Call it a trick of my artificial memories. But the time I spent on that clock tower was real. I wish the three of us could stay together, just like this, forever. But I have to end this. I'll never forget today's sunset. Even if Roxas and Axel do, I wont forget. Day 353: Broken Trust Axel let Xion leave the Organization. Like he wanted her to go. She's a puppet? A mirror that reflects me? He's talking nonsense. I can't trust him anymore. Day 354: Who Am I? I don't understand the Organization. I don't understand Axel... I understand myself least of all. Why do I keep coming back to the castle? Me and Xion are special, connected by "Sora." If she's a puppet, maybe I am, too. I don't know what I am. Day 355: I Am/Mind I have to know who I am... I am DONE WITH THIS The gears of Xemnas' plans have begun to spin wild since the loss of half our membership at Castle Oblivion. The results are there, but can the state of affairs fairly be called a success? If Kingdom Hearts can be said to possess a mind of its own, it is surely rejecting Xemnas-no, rejecting Xehanort. Roxas left the Organization today. Day 356: --/Unforeseen Events Our plans never accounted for the possibility of both Xion and Roxas leaving. How did this come to pass? When did Roxas grown strong enough to outmuscle me? What were you really after, Lea? We joined the Organization at the same time, and formulated our plan. At this point, it's just an idle fantasy. Everything changed. You, and me. Day 357: Three Again? I'm going to set Kingdom Hearts free and find my way to Sora. I'm going to get Xion back. The three of us will have ice cream together again-I know it. Preamble I am Quater. Read my words, and be my friend. Father commands me to record the truth of history, so that readers will learn from those who went before. Therefore, I give each of my seven sons one of these self-engraving, history-recording klay walls. This wall automatically records the activity in this world, and in any other world containing one of the other walls. Behold. Anyone who tampers with the records on these walls will be considered the enemy of Father. I will not like you much, either. This wall is given by Father. It will teach you to acquire wisdom, integrity and skills for solving problems. In each of our lives, we must make decisions. When these times come, be ready to make the right choices. Continue in what you know is true, though truth is often hard to see. These walls may hold the only truths you will know. Quater. Father Father is a kind being whom no one has ever seen. Father is beyond our comprehension. All folks know is that he was here before there ever was a here. He is happy and enjoys existing. He is said to be great and powerful; and as far as anyone knows, there was no one before him. He is from the other side. No one has ever been to the other side but it is supposed to be a great place where there is peace without death. Quater Quater is the only being Father has ever made. He has been a good friend of Father's for many eons. Quater is the official go-between for all beings and Father. Since he himself is a being made by Father, not much can be learned about Father by looking at Quater. But, if anything is known to any one about Father, Quater revealed it. Quater forged seven crowns for seven beings he created for Father to pour his approval on. Quater left the comfort of Father's presence to pioneer a new world where his beings could make their own place in order to empathize with Quater. Ogdilla Quater made Ogdilla as a kind of test-subject. He gave Ogdilla a crown, although he did not have a head to set the crown on. Ogdilla is a mass of blue gas that is barely self-aware. It is said that Ogdilla is the spirit of adventure since on the day he was made, he left Quater's homeland traveling in a straight line without stopping... He has picked up many particles from space, which have made a happy home for themselves on Ogdilla's back. Ogdilla is now one million times the size he was when Quater made him, and his inhabitants include the Specks of Rilonate. The Specks of Rilonate were in constant conflict with the Specks of Rod. The Specks of Rod cultivated food on Ogdilla's back using their own spit. The Specks of Rilonate had no spit, but occupied most of the surface of Ogdilla. The Specks of Rilonate were disgusted by all the spitting that the Specks of Rod did, and they did not like stepping in it either. The strife between the Specks of Rilonate and the Specks of Rod carried on for centuries. The conflict was never physically violent, but there was much whining, taunting, heated sneering, upheavals, and so on. This period is known as the "Oobla Senchter Hakkt," or: the "Three Millennia of Conflict," although it was really more like two and a half. During the "Oobla Senchter Hakkt," an incident happened that at once made all the Specks forget their animosity, and at the same time exacerbated the conflict even more. In the eighth month on the twentyseventh day, during the eleventh year of the first century of the second millennium of the "Oobla Senchter Hakkt," the Specks of Rilonate woke up to find a strange being of gigantic size asleep in Screnchy Park. There was a pond by his head where he had drooled while he slept. A crowd of Specks gathered around the titan as the morning hours went by. The larger the crowd grew, the more the Specks talked among themselves. The hubbub finally became so loud that the giant awoke and sat up. The giant showed his great teeth and growled at them from deep within his huge body. The Specks fed him for fear of being eaten alive. The giant could easily have thrown three or four of them into his mouth at once. He was very bizzare looking, even for a giant; he was like nothing they had ever seen before. His head had a ring of flesh on it that started almost at the very top then looped down and joined the head again at the jaw. Three Specks, one on top of the other, could have stood up inside the ring. He had huge lips with which he covered his enormous teeth, while the Specks had no lips at all. Above the lips, almost to the top of the face, were two ballshaped things that had one dot within each of them. The giant seemed to use them to observe things, since the dots moved and pointed at whoever was speaking to him. His torso was short for his size, while his legs were extremely long. Out of his chest stuck three spiked horns. For days upon end the Specks tried to speak to the giant to find out if he was friend or foe, to no avail. His form of speech sounded too low-down, deep and loud; it reminded them too much of the rumbling growl that came from deep within his body. The Specks did not not like it and they did not understand it. They could not even tell where one syllable ended and the next began; and comprehending sentences was totally impossible. To avoid hearing him speak, the Specks fed him constantly. The Specks of Rilonate did not keep a guard posted where the giant was staying; they could never have overpowered him. In any case, the giant never treatened them. King Rilonate had in mind to win over the giant's confidence so that he might be employed to stomp on the Specks of Rod. King Rilonate often went to Screnchy Park to speak to the giant. He wanted to impress the giant, so he had the best acrobats from the Rilonate Circus come visit him. The king commanded the unicyclist to do loop-the-loops inside the ring on the giant's head, while a high-diver did trick dives off his huge lips into a barrel of water at the giant's feet. During these demonstrations of the circus performers' expertise, the giant did nothing but stand still and smile. Even while there were trapeze artists swinging from the three spikes that stuck out from his chest, the giant stood like a stone sculpture with a silly grin on his face. King Rilonate redoubled his efforts to continue to try to communicate with the giant once he saw that the giant would not harm the circus performers as they climbed and swung upon his body. Day after day, the king came out to where the giant was to try again to communicate his desire for the giant to walk over and stomp on the Specks of Rod. The giant smiled a lot at the king; he nodded his head when the king nodded his head; he shook his head when the king shook his head. When King Rilonate slapped his own forehead, the giant slapped his own forehead. When the king mimed walking, and pointed in the direction of the Kingdom of Rod, the giant stood up and did a dance. King Rilonate was furious! While the giant was still dancing, the king ordered all the Specks of Rilonate to throw things at him. Since they were feeding the giant all the time, the only stuff they had at hand was food, so they threw that at him. The giant tried to eat as much of the food thrown at him as possible, but he could not keep up with the furious pace with which the Specks were throwing it at him. He turned and walked away from them and headed in the direction of the Kingdom of Rod. Since the Specks of Rilonate had thrown so much food at the giant, no matter where he turned he stepped into it. With each step, more and more food gunked-up on the bottom of his feet. The Specks of Rilonate cheered and clapped and jumped up and down when the giant continued in the direction of Rod! The giant turned back to look at the Specks, so they stopped their cheering and got ready to throw more food. But the giant did not come back; he continued on the way he was headed, toward the Kingdom of Rod. So the Specks of Rilonate had a great celebration! They hoped that as soon as the giant arrived in the Kingdom of Rod, he would smoosh the Specks of Rod who were such a bother to the Kingdom of Rilonate. King Rilonate gave a rousing speech: "Well, that's that for the great giant! I suppose we owe a dept of thanks to the goofy colossus, for he will shortly be stepping on the Specks of Rod and making so much mush of them! His immense foot will crush our ancient foe in an instant. Squashed beneath his mammoth bulk, those unspeakable wretches will be reduced to the vile scum that they have always represented. We are now delivered forever from their constant whining, taunting and hectoring. That feeble minded titan is our national hero! A doltish whopper, he shall be the greatest of all figures in the history of Rilonate. There is none equal to his blockheaded enormity on all of Ogdilla, but he did finally come through for us. A stupendously dump gargantua, it is well, nevertheless, that we are rid of him. And I suppose we ought to be thankful that the half-witted behemoth did not stomp on us too. I cannot think of any reason why he would come back here... can you?" Meanwhile, the Specks of Rod heard the giant before they saw him. His every step made a hollow drum sound on the debris-covered surface of Ogdilla. They gathered into frightened groups, becoming more and more agitated as the booming steps grew ever louder. Finally they saw him! They saw his big ring-head, his big lips, and the spikes sticking out of his chest. But what most impressed them were his feet. Actually, what most impressed them was what they saw stuck to the bottom of his feet. All that food that he had stepped on looked disgusting, but the Specks of Rod did not know that it was food. The Specks stood in stunned silence. They knew that the giant had come from the direction of the Kingdom of Rilonate. Their imaginations took over from there. The Specks of Rod were convinced that the giant had stomped on the Specks of Rilonate and made mush of them. As the giant got closer and closer, word went through the crowd that the giant had finished off the Specks of Rilonate and was now coming to their kingdom to stomp on them. Some of the Specks ran away screaming; but most stood still, knowing they could not out-run the fearsome giant's feet. Then one Speck of Rod started clapping. At first, the Specks next to him thought he was crazy, but then they started clapping too. Soon a small group was clapping. Then most of the crowd was clapping and cheering and jumping up and down as the giant approached. They had figured that if the giant thought they were glad that the Specks of Rilonate had been stomped to pudding, then he might spare them and consent to be their hero. When the giant reached the front of the crowd they whooped and hollered for a few minutes more. Then the crowd parted and King Rod made his way through to the front. There, before his people at the giant's feet, he made a speech: "Oh, Great Giant! Thank you, Mighty Colossal Allied Thing, for stepping on the Specks of Rilonate and making so much mush of them! Your immense foot has crushed our ancient foe in an instant. Squashed beneath your mammoth bulk, these unspeakable hidiots (hideous idiots) have been reduced to the evil scum that they have always represented. We are now delivered forever from their constant whining, taunting and bantering. You, Magnificent Titan, are our national hero! Oh Necromaniacal Whopper, you shall be the greatest of all figures in the history of Rod. There is none equal to your fabulous enormity on all of Ogdilla. You, Tremendous Gargantua, shall be second only to myself, unless of course you would rather be number one. By the way, we thank you, Phenomenal Behemoth, so very much for not stomping on us too. I can only offer our humble Kingdom to you, Amazing Monstrosity, as compensation for the wonderful deed you have accomplished today. It is not a kingdom worthy of your monumental grandiosity, of course; you won't like it much. You will probably not like anything we offer you, since it is all tiny compared to your gigantean size. But of course, anything we have is yours, but I don't know what you would do with it. I say, do you understand me?" The giant smiled at the Specks of Rod, who smiled back, until he spoke to them. To the Specks his voice sounded slow and deep and slurred. They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. The Specks of Rod decided to go back to what they were each doing before the giant arrived. As they left they kept looking over their shoulders to make sure the giant was not lifting one of his big feet to stomp on them. He did not move from where he stood and maintained his smile until they were out of sight. The next day the giant was right where the Specks of Rod had left him, only he was sitting. So, the Specks went about their daily chores, and occasionally they would look over their shoulders at the giant just to make sure he had not stood up. This did not change for several days. Finally the giant got up and started following some Specks around. He seemed to be watching them as they went about their everyday tasks. He still smiled as he watched them, but not as much. Day after day, month after month, season after season he watched them tending their fields, from planting to harvest. At harvest time many Specks noticed how much thinner the giant looked and how little he smiled as compared to when he had first arrived in the Kingdom of Rod. As they talked about it, they realized no one had seen him eat while he had been there. Some of the Specks got together and brought food to the giant. When he saw that they had brought some food to him, the giant looked horrified! He got up and ran off, far away from the Kingdoms of Rod and Rilonate. There is no official record of when the giant was seen last or who saw him, but a few Specks from both Kingdoms insist that they saw the giant ascending into the heavens early one morning a few years after he ran away from the Kingdom of Rod. About the time that the giant ran off, spies from the Kingdom of Rilonate came to the Kingdom of Rod and saw that the Specks of Rod were not obliterated. They noticed that their enemies were not even bruised a little! This report went back to King Rilonate, who was shocked and upset that once again the Specks of Rod had foiled his own Speck Kingdom. He ordered a delegation to go to the Kingdom of Rod and meet with a delegation of the Specks of Rod. When the delegation of Rilonate arrived at Rod there was much shock and agitation. "You are supposed to be squashed!" said the representative of Rilonate. "Well, you are supposed to be squished!" said the representative of Rod. Tensions rose and accusations flew! Each side blamed the other for making their King's most famous speech a pack of lies. The delegations gave messages to each other to take back to their respective kings about how there could never be peace between the two kingdoms. As they left the meeting, they all thumbed their noses at each other! The "Oobla Senchter Hakkt" was back in full swing. King Rilonate grew tired of the thousands of years of bickering between his Specks and King Rod's Specks. In a desperate move to bring about a day of peace, he asked for a secret meeting with King Rod at the center of Ogdilla. In the thirty fourth month on the second day, during the eighty ninth year of the third millennium of the "Oobla Senchter Hakkt," the kings met. The two kings reasoned for two weeks, trying solutions that were fair for both kingdoms, but to no avail. Meanwhile, Ogdilla himself had grown so tired of the angst he felt on his back that he spread all of the Specks of Rod to one half of his back and the Specks of Rilonate to the other half of his back. In a violent quake, Ogdilla split into two beings which floated independently from each other. The only problem was that King Rod ended up on the half of the back with the Specks of Rilonate, and King Rilonate found himself on the half of Ogdilla with the Specks of Rod. King Rilonate was at first mistaken by the Specks of Rod as King Rod, but he quickly corrected the Specks of Rod announcing that he was King Rilonate. The Specks of Rod immediately cut him into tiny pieces and fed him to their young. King Rod, however, told the Specks of Rilonate that he was indeed their king, and since few Specks of Rilonate had ever seen their own king, they believed him. Eventually, King Rod had the Specks of Rilonate build him a large castle which housed his children, who were half Speck of Rod and half Speck of Rilonate. King Rod, posing as King Rilonate, lived to see his Specks harmoniously blend where it was previously thought impossible. The Specks of Rilonate did not cultivate food on Ogdilla's back using their own spit like the Specks of Rod; instead they rubbed their heads on the fine, hairy grass-like particles that had attached themselves to cover the Rilonate portion of Ogdilla's back. The rubbing caused static charges to build and build until small arcs of lightning flashed off of the Specks' heads. Ogdilla's blue gas in the immediate area of the arcs of lightning reacted by turning into bite-size cubes of lime-flavored finger snacks. This was the sole source of food for the Specks of Rilonate. Every 247 days (this was one year for the Specks of Rilonate, chosen arbitrarily because they did not have seasons) the Specks had their annual feast, which was called the "Fillange per Jungi." The great day began with the Concert of Rubbing, where the entire population of Rilonate, young and old alike, rubbed their heads on the hairy particles until they collapsed exhausted, unable to lift a limb. About 3 hours after this frenzy, some Specks regained enough strength to shakingly pull themselves upright. Then the male specks began the Harvest of Cubes while the female specks prepared gastronomic delights such as: Cube Fondue, Cube Salad, Cube Roast, Cube Soup, Cube and Cube-on-a-Stick (for the kids), Cube Paste, Cube Fillet, Cube Pie, Cube Relish, Cube Stuffing, Blackened Cube, Cube Kabobs, Cube Sherbet, Deep-fat-fried Cube, Cube Cake, Deep-fat-fried Cube Cake, Barbecued Cube, Cube Chowder, Glazed Cube, Cube Pandowdy, Broiled Cube, Blackened Cube, Cube Thermador, Cube-on-the-Rocks (for the adults), Steamed Cube, Smoked Cube, and of course, Susan's Cube Bubble Loaf. While the delicious smells of cube cookery were filling the air, those who were not busy found time to participate in fun "Fillange per Jungi" games, like: "Come Over Here," "Hey You Just Bumped My Friends Elbow," "Are You Just Going To Stand There," and "This Is My Bucket." The day culminated with the "Fillange per Jungi" dance, which they performed lying on their backs with their feet as high in the air as they could possibly get them, first prize going to the dancers with their feet highest up. King Rod, whom the Specks of Rilonate thought was King Rilonate, used the occasion of "Fillange per Jungi" to campaign for re-election, since twelve days after the picnic was polling day. The specks voted every year, but they only had two choices: King Rod Green Ballot of King Rod Purple Ballot. Either way, King Rod got re-elected. "Fillange per Jungi" was the Specks of Rilonate Forgotten Day of Atonement. They knew that in their past there was a definite day set aside as a Day of Atonement, but it was forgotten before King Rod ever took over the position of King Rilonate. At least they knew there once was a Day of Atonement, but the Specks could not remember what they need atonement for. After King Rod took the throne, a speck named Hefamut, during the demolition of a shoe foundry, found a vague historical reference to a Day of Atonement called the "Fillange per Jungi." The king's advisors advised the king to declare a new "Fillange per Jungi" and to have the marketing department think of some fun things to do on it. No one could think of anything they needed atonement for, so the day is mostly remembered for the annual feast or for the dancing thing. The Specks of Rilonate determined when one day was over and a new day had begun by having the Day Determiner hold the Determiner Stone out at her side at arms-length. When that day's Day Determiner could no longer hold her arm up, the day was declared done and the next Day Determiner took up the stone. Being Day Determiner was a prestigious honor, but no she-speck was allowed to do it more than once a year. Rilonate specks married in threes... Two grooms and a bride, or two brides and a groom. In either case the spouse with the two counterspouses had to alternate every day, being spouse to one, and then the next day to the other. Each Speck year the sequence is renewed, starting with the spouse who was shorted by one day the previous year. The marriage ceremony of Rilonate was short and simple: The three specks went before the king on the assigned day of their marriage appointment; each stated their vows, which consisted only of a promise to abide by the custom of spouse alternating, and a promise to never get ugly. The vows were repeated in this way: The king said to each speck, in-turn, "Do you, ___, promise to never get ugly?" To which each responded in turn, "I do." Then, in the case of one groom and two brides, for example, the king said to the groom speck, "Repeat after me. I, ___, take you, ___, to be one of my wedded wives, and you, ___, to be the other of my wedded wives." Annulment usually stemmed from one of the two brides or one of the two grooms (in the case of one bride and two grooms) feeling slighted because he/she was not the first one named in the vow. Divorce usually stemmed from one spouse being cheated out of his or her fair share of marriage days on leap year, when an extra day went to the spouse who then renewed the new year's sequence! Bertbert Quater made his next being with a form closer to his own. He attempted to duplicate himself, but because he was not as good of a man-builder as Father, the being was not quite a perfect duplicate. Bertbert was given powers of speech and reason, but he could not grasp that he was different from Quater. He thought he was Quater and instantly made seven of his own crowns and started making his own people in his own image. Because Bertbert was an even worse being-maker than Quater, each generation looked worse and worse. By the last generation, Bertbert's beings were not even alive, they just looked like blobs of meat. The lineage of Bertbert: Empowered by Quater to create, Bertbert, believing that he himself was Quater, begat another Bertbert. This second Bertbert begat Bredbad, a weak attempt at a Bertbert; but with a speech impediment. Bredbad was a wise being. "The most wise of all," it has been said, although no one knows exactly who said that, but it stuck. He did not write down any of his wisdom, but his son Bridabrack the Literal transcribed Bredbad's lectures... The Wisdom of Bredbad, the son of Bertbert, the son of Bertbert: I am not good by nature nor am I naturally happy. But if I fall it is a fault of my own not my mom or pappy. I have been the witness of one thousand fallen. For this I am not fortunate. For me it is torture-nate. I ponder these 'til I am withered and sullen. Power is pleasant if served under glass, or eaten like pheasant causing my voice to rasp. The killer be killed, the dancing man stilled. When bees of plenty sting my heart many. I emaciate... thinner, thinner... thinner. Found are the three ways of Bablon: 1. FEAR- It eats itself like a snake down a hill and finds nourishment there. The bigger it gets the more it eats until it is everywhere. 2. GREED- Unlike fear it shrinks until the snake is something small and despicable. Smelling like a torch when mixed with hair. 3. VANITY- Is the snake thinking he has strong legs that can jump the stream. He floats belly-up when caught in this snare. I will share with you my comings and goings if you will listen. You will join me on these journeys if you hasten. We will perish if you do not. Bredbad, having no point of reference but himself, begat Bridabrack the Literal. Who begat Bickback. Bickback was thin for his age and his peers mocked him for the purple and green skin splotches that covered his body. Once a large crowd of descendants of Bertbert had formed, poor Bickback was made to sit in the back. He tried to hide his sadness by pretending to enjoy the back of the crowd. It was there that he met the rest of the back of the crowd. They were pitiful beings suffering from physical maladies almost as bad as his splotches. A distant cousin named Hiface offered to stand behind Bickback so that it would seem like he was not in the absolute back of the crowd, but Bickback chose to emulate the cruelty of the rest of the group by pointing out Hiface's abnormality - a tiny second head growing from his palm. He sang a song about a thing with a thing hiding in its palm. Everyone laughed at Hiface for a while, and praised Bickback for his entertaining and funny verse. Hiface confronted Bickback regarding this display of cruelty, but Bickback sang the song again until Hiface ran home crying. The crowd acknowledged that Bickback was witty, but they still could not let him go to the front of the crowd because of those awful splotches. This gave Bickback an idea. One morning Bickback went to great lengths to hide his splotches. Using some dust, he coated himself, until finally his peers found him beautiful. They quickly escorted him to the front of the crowd where he was commanded to write more songs about the beings in the back of the crowd. Bickback wrote songs of cruelty and prejudice about them all. All, that is, except for one in the back row. He hoped that the front of the crowd would not notice that he was intentionally overlooking his brother, Lytle, who was retarded and therefore, the most back of the whole back row. But, alas, someone noticed, "Now, Bickback, let us have a song about Lytle!!!" the crowd screamed. They figured that Bickback was saving a song about Lytle until the end, since it would be the funniest and easiest to write, given the subject matter. Bickback looked across the crowd at Lytle who could only stare at the ground. Lytle was pitiful in his brother's sight and Bickback hated him for not being perfect. Bickback walked over to his brother who was drooling and looking very stupid. Lytle recognized his brother and decided to hug him hard the way he always had. Lytle reached out and hugged Bickback saying, "Ly'le like Bicks!" The crowd roared with laughter at Lytle. They found his audacity to tough someone from the front row typical of his level of stupidity. Embarrassed, Bickback threw Lytle to the ground and called him an animal. Lytle was shocked and began to cry. Bickback looked down at his drool covered arms. The drool had wiped away some of his dust-covering, exposing the horrible, hated splotches. Bickback openly wept face-down on the ground. Lytle crawled over to him and held him. The crowd was uncomfortable, no one knew what to do. Just then, Bickback wiped his eyes and announced: "I have a song about the pitiful members of the back of the crowd!" Those in back of the crowd figured that this would be the most degrading song yet. The front of the crowd cheered. Lytle drooled. Bickback sang in a voice so beautiful that to this day no song has been written to compare. This is what he sang: In this life I have found one thing. It is pity incarnate of which I sing. You have been told about the back of the crowd. And I repeat it plenty loud. That they are animals to be excused - As hapless freaks which we shall use - As ladder rungs for our speedy ascent - To the front of the crowd where we'll invent A strict system of attractive and not On which side of the net will you be caught. Align me please with the crowd's back The front can for what I care go to hack With their own standards based on their small group If given the choice 'tween accepting many or few I will love the different and accept the whole crowd I will sing of my world long and loud In my world I say that we the low be tall And so Brother Lytle is greatest of all. The entire crowd fell silent as Bickback walked over to his brother and held him. He whispered in Lytle's ear, "I'm so sorry. I have been a big fool." Lytle still just drooled. Some members of the crowd heeded Bickback's song and embraced the entire crowd. Others did not and made it their full time concern to re-establish the lines between the front and back of the crowd. Bickback lived a happy life, he wed Phyllis, a demure little lady, also from the back of the crowd. He begat Mak Mok which means "low is high." Mak Mok begat Mak Mak. Who begat Mak Mak. Who begat Mak Mak. Who begat Mak Mak, who fashioned a two-sided being which included both genders, male and female, one on either side. It was a colossal being named Mammur who was very proud indeed. It considered itself absolutely complete, lacking nothing and independent even from its creator, Mak Mak. Mak Mak could not stand for such conceit, so he made a huge crowbar with which he pried the being into two parts: a male being named Meen and a female being named Mavi. It took all of Mak Mak's strength to pry the two halves apart. And when Mammur finally split, it sent the crowbar hurtling out into space. As soon as the two half-beings saw that they were no longer a singular whole, they started trying to put themselves back together again, and they have been trying to put themselves back together ever since. Mammur (or Meen and Mavi) then begat Maumat. And the sons of Maumat were Mau Much and Marzim and Mah Tup and Manaak. And the sons of Mau Much were Mabes and Maliva and Magbas and Mamaar and Macetbas; And the sons of Mamaar were Mabesh and Maded. Now Maded became the father of Moremin; who became a mighty florist in his town. He was a mighty florist before Quater; therefore it is said, "Like Moremin, a mighty florist before Quater." And the beginning of his kingdom consisted of Daisyworld and Rosebud and Tulipcrime, in the land of Ranish. From that land he went forth into Milpitas, and built H'voney and Tt and Hoot, and Ressinsessin between H'voney and Tt; that is the great city. And Moremin became the father of Midul and Mimana and Mibahel and Mihutphan and Misurthap and Mihulsack (from which came the peeons) and Mirotphack and MixtMath, the evil twins. And Misurthap became the father of Modis, his first-born, and Math Bath and the Quergenites and the Lolo Men and the Fylo Dendrites and the Shrub people and the Klay Wanters and the Neo-Ressinsessinites and the Briv and the Manaakite; and afterward the families of the Manaakite were spread abroad. And the territory of the Manaakite extended from Nodis as you go toward Modoc, Delano, and Truckee and Chester and Alturas, as far as Lake Almanor. So these were the sons of Maumat, according to their families, according to their languages, by their lands, by their nations. Modis then begat Mah Min, who decided to wear a purple hood instead of a crown. Mah Min begat Mah Nih, who liked hoods a lot, but hated his father's purple hood; so in rebellion, he went back to the crown-wearing tradition of previous generations. This gesture pleased Quater so much that Mah Nih was simply caught-up into the presence of Quater to live forever in peace with Father, but not before he was able to create a poor likeness of himself, May Nee. Who begat Way Nee. Who begat Fwah Gee (the founder of the famous Fwah Ah Nation.) Who begat Fep At. Who begat Fep Pee. Who begat Feh, who liked to sing loving songs for his sons. He sang by expelling air from between five flaps of flesh on his back. Feh sang this way, as a sincere gesture of love for his many sons, but the perpetual honking and flapping of his songs echoed up to the ears of Quater, who, after many years of tolerance, could finally take it no more. Quater smote Feh with a bolt of energy so intense that nobody ever found a trace of his body. Feh was destroyed in the prime of his life, but not before he was able to create thirteen sons. Feh's thirteen sons were: Klough, Kluff, Klau, Klimt, Kleft, Klak, Klink, and five sons all of whom Feh named Kloppenhomwinwitz, because he could not think of another name until the birth of his last son, Klee. In the Fwah Legends are the stories of Feh and his thirteen sons. Feh's favorite son was named Klee (meaning, "give me more like this one"). Feh often had his sons watch the FwaCattle herd in an attempt to teach them the value of hard work, and the responsibility of caring for the herd. FwaCattle had three genders: female; hemale; and threemale (threemales had the gender characteristics of all three genders). When the females were nursing they exuded FwaGerkins from their hide. FwaGerkins were the staple of the Fwah Ah diet. Klee was the youngest of Feh's sons, yet he was also the most responsible, and he was the only one who listened when Feh spoke to his sons the legends Feb Pee had told him of Father and Quater. The other sons spent most of their time listening to their father's songs, but avoiding work, dreaming of ways to spend their inheritance as soon as their father died. On the other hand, Klee spent his time tending the family herd of FwaCattle with such care that many thought it was his own herd. It was the largest herd of FwaCattle in the nation of Fwah Ah, next to the Emperor's own herds, and Feh certainly appreciated Klee's care. To show his appreciation, he slaughtered his finest FwahCalf and had the hide made into a fine pair of shorts for Klee. Feh's other sons considered Klee an obstacle to their fun, so they started spending a portion of their time planning ways to get rid of him. When Klee was out herding the FwaCattle with his brothers, he would often bring back a bad report to his father of how the other sons abused the herd and often secretly sold FwaGerkins for their own profit. Klee boldly told his brothers that while they were dreaming up ways to avoid work, he was dreaming of being Emperor of Fwah Ah. This got on their nerves, and after much plotting, they did finally came up with a plan to get rid of Klee. When he came out to the Plains of Choppen to check up on them, they grabbed him and sewed him and his fine shorts to the back of a FwaBull. The brothers then traded Klee and the FwaBull to some Choppenpops for some stewed pods. They took these back to Feh and explained that Klee had been trampled in a FwaStampede, and that the pods were all that was left of their brother. Feh mourned for 88 years the death of his favorite son, Klee. Meanwhile, the Choppenpops, never noticing Klee sewn to the back of their new FwaBull, traded it to the Emperor's herdsmen for a pack of Gaza Smokes. Now, an Emperor likes a clean herd of FwaCattle, so his herdsmen scrubbed the FwaCattle daily. While they were scrubbing the new FwaBull that Klee was sewn to, they noticed him crying out and begging to be released. The herdsmen released Klee to the custody of Portenchipa, the Emperor's bodyguard. Portenchipa made Klee his butler, and Klee took on the responsibility much as he did with his father's herd of FwaCattle. Portenchipa was not home much, what with all the responsibilities of his own job, but when he was home, he did not fail to notice Klee's meticulous care of the house and household matters. He actually did a better job than Portenchipa would have done himself. Portenchipa would have been jealous, but he enjoyed the spare time too much. In these days, each time Portenchipa had been out on one of his many trips away from home with the Emperor, his wife, Pettenpipa, started making eyes at Klee the way she should only be making eyes at Portenchipa. Klee was no fool, he knew what Pettenpipa was up to, so he warned her with the warning his mother always used. He said, "If you don't stop making eyes like that, they're going to get stuck that way." Pettenpipa could not stand to be rejected, so she kept making eyes at Klee, and sure enough, her eyes got stuck. She lied to Portenchipa when he came home that night and told him Klee had dressed up like Portenchipa just to get her to make eyes at him. Portenchipa beat Klee to within a foot span of his life, then threw him into jail. But Quater did not forget Klee. Klee once again prospered because of his faithful conduct. After the jailer beat Klee to within a half foot span of his life, he put Klee in charge of all the prisoners who were in the jail, so that whatever was done there, he was responsible for it. The jailer did not superwise anything under Klee's charge because whatever Klee did always prospered. Klee often told the other prisoners the stories of Father and Quater that he had heard as a boy. Then it came about after these things that the Emperor's nephew offended the Emperor by besting him at liver juggling. The Emperor was furious with his nephew, so he took away his status of Emperor's nephew, gave it to some guy who happened to be walking by, and put his nephew in confinement in the jail, the same place where Klee was imprisoned. And the jailer put Klee in charge of the Emperor's former nephew, and he took care of him; and he was in confinement for some time. Then the Emperor's ex-nephew who was confined in jail, had a terrible time sleeping one night. He tossed and turned all night long. When Klee came to him in the morning and observed him, behold, he was down hearted. And he asked the former Emperor's nephew who was with him in confinement in jail, "Why is your face so sad today?" Then the former nephew said to him, "Are you blind? Just look at my hair; I've got Bed-head and there is no one to interpret it!" He said this because in the Kingdom of Feb, Bed-head interpretations are used to foretell the future. Then Klee said to him, "Do not interpretations belong to Quater? Let me study your Bed-head, please." Then Klee said to him, "This is the interpretation of your Bed-head: this afternoon the Emperor will restore you to the position of Emperor's nephew and have you released from jail. Now, please do me a kindness by mentioning me to the Emperor, and get me out of this jail. For I was in fact kidnapped from the land of Fwah Ah, and even here I have done nothing that they should have put me into jail." That afternoon the Emperor declared that his nephew who was in jail should be restored to the position of Emperor's nephew. When the Emperor was asked what should be done with the guy to whom he, the Emperor, had given the "nephew status," the Emperor said to throw him in jail instead. The Emperor's nephew did not remember Klee, in fact he forgot him. But Quater did not forget Klee. Now it happened at the end of two full years, that the Emperor woke up one morning with Bed-head, and his spirit was troubled, so he sent and called for all the interpreters. And the Emperor had them study his Bed-head, but there was no one who could interpret it to the Emperor. Then the Emperor's nephew spoke up, saying, "I would make mention today of my own offenses. The Emperor was furious with me, and he put me in confinement in the jail. And I woke up one morning with Bed-head. Now a Fwah Ah youth was with me there, a servant of the jailer, and he studied my Bed-head, and he did interpret it for me. And it came about that just as he interpreted for me, so it happened; I was restored to my status as Emperor's nephew." Then the Emperor sent and called for Klee, and they hurriedly brought him out of the jail. And when he had shaved himself from head to toe (that is how one was presented to the Emperor in those days) and changed his clothes, he came to the Emperor. And the Emperor said to Klee, "I presume that you can see I have Bed-head, and no one here can interpret it; but I have heard it said about you, that when you study a Bed-head you can interpret it." Klee then answered the Emperor, saying, "It is not in me; interpretations of Bed-head belong to Quater." The Emperor said to Klee, "Behold, study my Bed-head." Now Klee said to the Emperor, "A terrible drought is coming. It is going to cause sky-rocketing inflation and a shortage of FwaGerkins and FepGerkins, throw the land into a panic, raise prices and drop interest rates. But not before there is a huge surplus of FepGerkins. Now let the Emperor look for a man discerning and wise, and set him over the land of Fep. Let the Emperor take action to appoint overseers in charge of the land, and let him exact a fifth of the FepGerkins of the land of Fep in the time of surplus. Then let them gather all the FepGerkins of this surplus and store them up, and let them guard it. And let the surplus become as a reserve for the land during the drought which will occur in the lands of Fwah Ah and Fep, so that the land may not perish during sky-rocketing inflation." The Emperor said, "Wow! All that was in my Bed-head?" Then he said to his servants, "Can you believe a man like this guy Klee?" So the Emperor said to Klee, "Since you've got all the answers, you shall be over my house, and according to your command all my people shall do homage; only in the throne I will be greater than you. See, I have set you over all the land of Fep." Then the Emperor took off his shorts (he had undershorts on underneath, for cryin' out loud!), and put them on Klee. And he had him ride on his second vehicle; and the servants proclaimed before him, "Bow the knee!" And he set him over all the land of Fep. Moreover, the Emperor said to Klee, "Though I am the Emperor, yet without your permission no one shall raise his hand or foot or left eyebrow in all the land of Fep." And he gave him Gail, the daughter of a guy he beat in a game of wagon-hurling the previous day. Thus, Klee became prime minister of the neighboring Kingdom of Fep. After the period of surplus in Fep, Feh's land dried-up and the FwaHerds wandered away, and a shortage of FwaGerkins threw the land of Fwah Ah into a panic, raising prices and dropping interest rates. The Feh boys: Klough, Kluff, Klau, Klimt, Kleft, Klak, Klink, and five sons all of whom Feh named Kloppenhomwinwitz because Feh could not think of another name until the birth of his last son, Klee, were forced to trek out to Fep and trade their prized ChoppenMettle statues for FepGerkins, dreading the odious FepAftertaste. The Fwah Ah hate FepGerkins, to them they are "dirty." The Fwah are so conditioned to despise FepGerkins that just thinking of the FepAftertaste causes a physical reaction. Simply seeing a FepGerkin has been known to cause a Fwah Ah to go pale and become woozy. The odor of FepGerkins sets off the gag reflex. It is common to hear a Fwah Gentleman say, "I'd rather eat the refuse of my worst enemy than eat FepGerkins." To which another might respond, "Oh yeah? I'd rather poke myself in the eyes with six inch rusty spikes than eat a lousy FepGerkin." To which another might reply, "Well, I'd rather eat my own head-innards, after they'd been sucked out through my eye sockets by a great naturally occurring vacuum, than eat FepGerkins." Still, another might say, "I'd rather have a fullbody massage from a servant girl named Hela than eat FepGerkins." To which everyone would respond, "Huh?" If a Fwah Ah wants to insult another Fwah Ah, a popular saying is, "Your mother eats FepGerkins!" It is considered very naughty behaviour for Fwah Ah youngsters to even talk about FepGerkins. The controversial Fwah Ah comedian, Loody Kincaid, once performed an entire live routine of nothing but FepGerkin jokes; of course it was an adults-only performance and was banned in most towns. All the people of Fwah Ah, including Feh and his sons, realized they would have to choke down the FepGerkins (and most likely vomit a few times after eating the first three or four) or face certain starvation. Now Klee was the ruler over the land; he was the one who sold to all the people of the land. And Klee's brothers came and bowed down to him with their faces to the ground. When Klee saw his brothers he recognized them, but he disguised himself to them and spoke to them with cotton in his cheeks. His brothers ordered twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Then Klee gave orders to fill the cases with shorts of great value. And thus it was done for them. So the brothers loaded their FwaOxen with the twelve and a half cases and departed from there. At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers. The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?" Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the priceless shorts. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?" So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he invited them in and fed them delicious snacks prepared with FepGerkins, of course. While they were eating (after having thrown up at least twice each) Klee had their cases of FepGerkins filled with the finest FepShoelaces, such as only the Emperor's family would wear. After dinner, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home. At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers. The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?" Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the precious shoelaces. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?" So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he invited them in and had them join him in the pool. While they were in the sauna, after swimming, he had their cases of FepGerkins filled with priceless gauges. After they had all dried off, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home. At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers. The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?" Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the precious gauges. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?" So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he had them come in and watch a play performed in mime in his private home theater, then he had them spend the night. While they were sleeping, he had their cases of FepGerkins filled with hewminallinterfatch (which is a lot like a food). In the morning, after breakfast, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home. But Klau, the smartest brother, said, "Before we go, I'd like to look in these cases of FepGerkins." When he opened one up, of course he found the hewminallinterfatch. He exclaimed, "What is up with that?" Klee knew he had to let his brothers in on his little deception. Klee said, "I'm Klee!" And the brothers responded. "Who?" Then Klee took the cotton balls out of his cheeks and told them the whole story. He said, "It goes like this: When I came out to the Plains of Choppen to check up on you, you grabbed me and sewed me and my fine shorts to the back of a FwaBull. Then you traded me and the FwaBull to some Choppenpops for some stewed pods..." Klee's brothers went back to Fwah Ah and returned to Fep with their father, Feh, who lived there for only a few years until Quater eventually smote him with a bolt of energy. In all, the Feh family lived in Fep 410 years. Klee, having become ruler of all the land of Fep, was compelled by his people to change his name to Fay Nee, which means, "Most of which still do not agree." Fay Nee begat Fay Nee. Who begat Wah Nee. Who begat Acker, who looked nothing like his father, Wah Nee, but nonetheless, managed to create Ehp. Like many generations before him, Acker sang to Ehp every night over his crib using the flaps in his back, in the tradition of Feh. Acker showed all of the love a good parent should show his offspring. He often stared into Ehp's face for hours until his eyes grew dry and tired. Ehp was full of kindness and generosity, taught by Acker and likely nurtured by his grandfather, Wah Nee. One day, while Ehp and his grandfather were on a long trip to the Boneyard, Wah Nee grew ill. Wah Nee asked Ehp to stay with him until he returned home to Father, for he was afraid. Ehp daubed Wah Nee's brow with a cool cloth given to him by Acker. Quater opened the sky and let Wah Nee enter. This was the first time Ehp had seen Quater who was far more marvelous than the legends told. Ehp grew to be a strong and handsome being, much closer in likeness to Bertbert than any generation before him. Ehp became a mighty leader of other beings who saw that he was in favor with Quater. Just as everybody thought that the whole "each-generation-gets-worse" thing had finally turned around, Ehp's own creation came out looking like a pile of something badly burned, so he named it, "Uh Uh." Uh Uh was not alive, so it could not begat anything. Numeron Quater decided to make a being of greater substance than any of his previous creations. Numeron looks like a pile of cubes. He was obsessed with being sensible and correct in everything, following the rules to the letter. Numeron rarely did anything on his own without asking Quater for his explicit directions. Numeron loved his crown and wore it with much pride - perhaps a little too much pride. He made three hundred duplicates of himself whom he would boss around, all day, every day. These are some of their genealogies: The first-born of Numeron was Nabris, a clone of Numeron. The first-born of Nabris was Thopo Bean the Similar, then Leebda, Masbim, Mishmash, Hamduh, Bim, Dad, Eemat, Juter, Big Eefish, Shiphann, and Hamdeck; These were the sons of Nabris. And the sons of Thopo Bean were Narmiz, Jok, Gok, Wim, Nyeby, Itchy Itch, Kashi, and Chipchape. And the sons of Nyeby were Abesh and Naded. And the sons of Itchy Itch were Haphe, Rephe Macincrog, Adiba, Inkerkrog, and Haa. All these were the sons of Thopo Bean the Similar. And Numeron was the father of Numeron Junior. The sons of Numeron Junior were Lee Mimba and Suppanuppa. The sons of Lee Mimba were Zaphile, Loiter, Sho Horf, Malagasket, and Harok. The sons of Zaphile were Namet, Ramo, Eye Fez, Maytag, Zanek, Anmit, and Kelama. The sons of Loiter were Thahan, Harpinbarpin, Ham Mash, and Shasa. And the sons of Harpinbarpin were Pies, Budd, Labopunky, Noebiz, Hana, Nosh B'Gosh, Reez, and Nashid. And the sons of Budd were Iroh and Mamoh; and Natol's sister was Annie Nitnitnit. The sons of Nosh B'Gosh were Alen, Nunnybiz, The, Laybee, Yf, and Mano. And the sons of Nunnybiz were Hoxokina-Giq and Sot, the nephew of The. The son of Sot was Noknok. And the sons of Noknok were Narm, Nab, Narthi, and Nar and Reez. The sons of Reez were Nalbo and Nazazanatab. The sons of Nalbo were Zuh and Narakatangbaloof. Now these are the kings who reigned in the land of Hecka before any king of the sons of Numeron Junior reigned. Aleb was the son of Royendale, and the name of his city was Havtoo. When Aleb died, Baburno the son of Hywya of Harzob became king in his place. When Baburno died, Mashush of the land of the Nametites became king in his place. When Mashush died, Dadah the son of Dadeb, who defeated Nidiam in the field of Baom, became king in his place; and the name of his city was Theam. When Dadah died, Pe'halloo of Hackersam became king in his place. When Pe'halloo died, Oowee of Thothot by the River became king in his place. When Oowee died, Nanahball the son of Robcha by the Sea became king in his place. When Nanahball died, Dadah became king in his place; and the name of his city was Iap, and his wife's name was Dimethicone, the daughter of Padimate, the daughter of Obenzone. Then Dadah died. Now the chiefs of Hecka were: chief Anmity, chief Emollient, chief Thethe, chief Hamabiloho, chief Hale, chief Nonip, chief Zanek, chief Namet, chief Razama, chief Le'nez, and chief Mari. These were the chiefs of Hecka. Now Numeron paid little attension to the beings he had already made, rather he focused intently on new beings to create and neglect. Numeron made Nabris' brother, Abris, who was a pure-hearted obedient follower, in spite of the fact that Numeron ignored him. Nabris became convinced that no one could be as good as Abris made himself appear, and he feared that Abris would eventually displease Quater, so Nabris, believing that Numeron was paying no attension, destroyed Abris by breaking-off all of the many antlers that covered Abris' back and neck. This heinous act did, in fact, escape Numeron's notice, but Quater himself was watching, and he smote Nabris with permanent blindness. Now the sons of Narcolon, the son of Numeron, were Leemhare, Mah, and Iabulech. And Mah became the father of Badanimma. And Badanimma became the father of Noshhan, leader of the sons of Narcolon; Nashhan became the father of Amlas, Amlas became the father of Zoab, Zoab became the father of Debo, and Debo became the father of Esse; And Esse became the father of Baile his first-born, then Badaniba the second, Aemish the third, Lenathen the fourth, Iaddar the fifth, Mezo the sixth, Hank the seventh; and their sisters were Huarez and Liagiba. And the three sons of Huarez were Ashba, Box and Lehasa. And Liagiba bore Muddy-Bingpoody, and the father of Muddy-Bingpoody was Jethro the Nabrisite. And Muddy-Bingpoody became the father of Bananagrunt, and Bananagrunt became the father of Nosuchluk, leader of the sons of Nodice; Nosuchluk became the father of Amwhat, Amwhat became the father of Goatphlegm, Goatphlegm became the father of Denturupture, and Denturuptur became the father of Cuptpt. And Cuptpt became the father of Vque his first-born, then Hiwyekun the second, Tahnana the third, Bizwc the fourth, Iaata the fifth, Ntindo the sixth, Ngoink the seventh; and their sisters were Beachnoodle and Grahamlit. And the three sons of Beachnoodle were Corpup, Pango, and Quitit. And Grahumus bore Azma, and the father of Azma was Othal the Obscure Prince. Now the sons of Numero Benti, the son of Numeron, were Leintho and High Harry Hapsicomby. And the son of Leintho was ThatThat. And the son of ThatThat was Ath. And Ath became the father of Oprah, and Harry became the father of Meesh Kapeesh, for they were craftsmen. And Meesh Kapeesh became the father of Nadarazuben. Numeron was the father of Ni Ron. Ni Ron became the father of those who dwell in eight-by-fourteen-foot thatched huts and use Pygmy Shrimp Swabs. And his brother's name was N-Ron, who's food had to be pre-chewed by Ni Ron. N-Ron became the father of all those who celebrate in Numeron's birthday parade, playing the Pinkerkrogg and the Ngtoilibong. Numeron became the father of Numby. Then Numeron became the father of Nasak the Great. And Numeron was the father of Kilfax, who just sat there. One year, Numeron lost half of his beings off of a cliff. They were on one of their morning marches when the ground fell out from under one of the leaders, and half of the others followed before Numeron noticed their peril, and was able to convince the rest to turn back. Though one hundred and fifty beings marched straight off the cliff, not all of these perished. Many were some of Numeron's heartiest creations. The two that were the strongest and came through the fall most intact were Numby and Nasak the Great. The fall landed Numeron's beings in the Trench of Aramoose. There, Numby and Nasak set up kingdoms: The Twin Kingdoms of Numby and Nasak. This did not go unnoticed by Numeron. He saw that as soon as the surviving beings thought that they were outside the presence of Numeron, they forgot him and his world. They began their own societies. Numeron observed their wickedness and saw that it was great. Numeron was sorry that he ever made any beings at all. He said to himself, "Not only do I have to keep cracking the whip, so to speak, over these beings night and day, but to top it all off, as soon as I am out of their sight they forget me! At least I still have one hundred and fifty to keep under my thumb; and believe me I will. The rest of these I can destroy; I'll cause a catastrophic explosion throughout the Trench. That'll show them!" But Numeron saw that Numby was a blameless creature. Numby was a righteous king; in fact, he was the only being in the Trench of Aramoose that remembered Numeron. (They called it the Trench of Aramoose because of the swit trees that grow there; the actual name of the trench was "Great Canyon of the Ruins of Desolation Number Five.") He tried and tried for twelve and a half years to remind the subjects in his modest little kingdom about the past, but since Numeron would not take the time to make himself known, they would not remember him. His subjects thought Numby was a fine king, but they would not heed his warning that their creator would not tolerate their corruption forever. Nasak the Great, on the other hand, did not think Numby was a fine king. He considered Numby and his preaching about Numeron a nuisance. Nasak's kingdom grew every day, filling more and more of the Trench. The southern sector extended from the wilderness of Zinniflox along the side of Eebisimperut. Then the south side was from the edge of Hapalanche, and the border went westward and went to the fountain of the waters of Neopithm. And the border went down to the edge of the hill which is in the valley of Bonablink, which is in the valley of Buppabumjoy northward; and it went down to the valley of Dycyoonwang, to the slope of the Oonja Wapoong southward, and went down to Boke. And it extended northward and went to Sabboota and went to Soysinga, which is opposite the ascent of Eenta Nina, and it went down to the stone of Ru the son of Lu. And it continued to the side in front of the Left-Handed-Fletchy northward, and went down to the Left-Handed-Fletchy. And the border continued to the side of Hoglah-Doglah northward; and the border ended at the north bay of the Stinky Sea, at the south end of the Helio-Hogma. Moreover, the Helio-Hogma was its border on the east side. And the southern border extended from the end of the Stinky Sea eastward. Then the border turned direction from the south to the ascent of Akakak Inzeeba, and continued to Ziniflox, and its termination was to the south of Radish-Barnmold; and it reached Huzz, and continued to Itzabiggy, even unto the great river that is called "Mifflewimx-the-Uncrossable-Except-in-a-Couple-of-Places-Where-It-Gets-Slow-and-Shallow," and unto the Early Risers Clubhouse. And the border turned direction from Hey Wait to the brook of Ptyge, and its termination was at the sea. As for the western border, it was the Amazing Colossal Sea, that is, its coastline; this was the western border. And this was the north border: they drew the border line from the Amazing Colossal Sea to Mount Pephilter. They drew a line from Mount Pephilter to the Hotus-Kelley. Then the border went up to the side of Hntma on the north, and went up through the hill country westward; and it ended at the wilderness of Cannbens. And from there the border continued to Quelp, to the side of Quelp (that is, Reflecklel) southward; and the border went down to Atimantshoe, near the hill which lies on the south of lower Surgurt. And the border extended from there, and turned round on the west side southward, from the hill which lies before Surgurt southward; and it ended at Sour-bead (that is, Sour-knobel), a city of the sons of Meesh Kapeesh. And the termination of the border was at Blightensuch. This was the northern border. Now the eastern border reached the border of Edupated, southward to the wilderness of Brain-Worm at the extreme south. Then it proceeded southward to the ascent of Quel From and continued to Brain-Worm, then went up by the south of Radish-Barnmold and continued to Larry, and went up to Rebaeton Perchis and turned about to Clarksdil. And it continued to Stew Lumps and proceeded to the brook of Fathering; then the border went up to Burn Dagit, and continued on the north of Undoubtedly Moister, which is opposite the ascent of Surmapleet, which is on the south of the valley; and the border continued to the waters of Housenploop. And the border went up to the top of the mountain which is before the valley of Twisted Balm, which is the end of the valley of Guarantaph toward the north. And from the top of the mountain the border curved to the spring of the waters of Rankness. And the border turned about from Bollixisix westward to Mount Dososky. They drew a line from Dososky to Shemp, and the border went down from Shemp to Reeply Engine on the east side of Hmhmhmhmhm, and continued towards Pylohylodylo (Which means, "I don't think I can put that much in my mouth."); and the border went down and reached the slope on the east side of the Sea of Often Fallen Into. And the border went down to the Fibrilatin and its termination was at the Stinky Sea. This was Nasak the Great's land according to its borders all around. His thriving cities were all decadent and vile, but that is what sells - that is what the people want. Thus his kingdom grew, even taking in droves of defectors from the good Kingdom of Numby. Yet, still not content with his great wealth of power, riches and influence, he coveted the dry, rocky land of the Kingdom of Numby. Nasak plotted a war of conquest against Numby. Numeron saw all of this and knew that Numby's number was coming up. So he paid a visit to Numby to explain the catastrophic explosion. Numby was alone when Numeron arrived. Numeron wanted to speak with Numby and his wife, Grace, so Numby went searching for her. The basement was flooded, so she was not there. She was in the attic, which in the Kingdom of Numby is called an "Izathelow." So Numby found her there, high and dry. They went together to the patio where Numeron addressed them: "Numby, I am going to blow up this trench with all these vile beings in it. But I don't want to destroy you and Grace, so I want you to build a treehouse, where you can stay and remain safe during the explosion." Numeron gave Numby a blueprint for the treehouse and described the exact location of the tree he wanted him to build it in. He also gave him very specific details for the construction of the treehouse. "You shall make the treehouse from weetby wood. It shall be a split-level treehouse with an enclosed foyer, gabled roof, with rough beam ceiling, bay windows in the living room and in the kitchen over the sink. All the measurements are here on the floorplan." As Numby and Grace worked on the treehouse, their neighbors, who formerly thought of Numby as a fine king, came out to mock the construction of the treehouse. Numeron had given Numby seven days to complete the construction of the treehouse, and he was nearly finished. By then, Nasak the Great had completed his plans for conquest and his armies were massed and marching toward the capitol of Numby. Then King Numby and Grace entered the treehouse, as instructed ny Numeron. Numeron detonated the catastrophic explosion, destroying all the beings but Numby and Grace in the Twin Kingdoms of Numby and Nasak the Great in the Trench of Aramoose. Now this great explosion had disrupted the deep panels of the world. A hot, green substance belched forth from the cracks in the panels and filled the canyon. Numby and Grace watched as the "Hot Green" swirled around the foot of the tree. They were trapped. Now weetby wood is impossible to burn so they were safe as long as they did not leave the treehouse. Many days passed as Numby and Grace grew hungry. One evening they looked out beyond the tree and sang a song to Numeron regarding their hunger: " Noom noom Numeron, send us food to chew-mer-on." Numeron heard their plea, and he sent a great bird to nest in the tree in which the treehouse was build. Every morning the great bird laid a giant egg, which landed in Numby and Grace's bed. They gently cracked the eggs open to find five-course meals prepared, complete with a fine linen tablecloth, and brass candelabra. They lived this way for many days until the "Hot Green" cooled to become just "Green." This new form of ground felt lovely to walk on. They lived happily for many ages. Grace died one beautiful day, Numby died three days later. Ottoborg Quater made a king named Ottoborg, designed to be happy and full of joy all day. Robots were a subject that Ottoborg had done a lot of research on, so it was only natural that he made three robots to help him make seven little houses. The robots names were Appie, Togor, and Bil. Appie was good at digging. Bil was good at building and Togor was good at painting; that is why it is said today that if anyone is a good painter, he is "Togor". In a very careless way, Ottoborg made seven boys to live in his new houses. The boys names were Hypen Nupen, Petri Alfonzo, Willie Trombone, Aloh Al, Derradious Hapsicom (who's nickname was Creeker), Hondo and Ed. Ottoborg's sons were easily identified by the loop formed on the top of each of their heads. Sometimes when they walked along they would hook their head-hoops on branches and hang there for days. Petri was so tired of getting his head hooked onto things that he cut his own head off, which proved to be fatal. Ottoborg had forgotten to hold his world together with gravity, so one day his world fell apart in chunks and his seven sons and three robots floated aimlessly across creation. Hypen's chunk of land got caught in the tail of the comet Pyrageorge (named Pyrageorge because it decreased in size during each orbit). The tail of Pyrageorge was full of seeds because the comet once passed through the atmosphere of the planet Berpie. Hypen cultivated his chunk so that he could grow flowers. He loved flowers and how happy and festive they can make a place. Often, he would make a wreath of some of the flowers to decorate the loop in his head. Since he was the only one of his brothers with a nose, it seemed especially fitting that this is where Hypen Nupen's chunk of land should be. He grew an extraordinary amount of flowers, but after a few years it was not enough to satisfy his growing craving for flowers. His deepest, burning desire was to be King of Flowers, to have no rival in growing flowers. He actually did not know of anyone else who was growing flowers, but his unfettered imagination went wild and he thought that there must be others who were cultivating and growing huge fields of flowers on the many planets and worlds he passed. Year after year Hypen worked the soil of his chunk of land to try and get it to produce more and more flowers. He developed fertilizers and plant foods. He grew nothing but flowers, though there were plenty of other types of seeds he could have planted. If he did notice some other type of plant growing amongst his flowers, he violently ripped it from the ground, cursing it and tearing it to shreds then throwing it onto his compost pile. It was so upsetting to him that he would have to lie down for a nap afterwards. But no matter how many flowers the land produced, it was never enough for Hypen. It almost seemed that the chunk of land was desperately trying to please its obsessed master, straining itself year in, year out, to produce more flowers than it had the previous season. For many centuries, in fact, it did out-perform itself; each year a dozen or so more flowers were produced. And Hypen would ask, "Is that all?" Then the yield began to decrease. The land was simply over-worked and it needed to rest. Hypen reacted by pressing the land harder and harder to yield more. He was aggravated to no end. The more he did to increase the yield of flowers, the less the land was able to produce. Eventually, as each season went by, the yield decreased first 10, then 100 fold, and so on. Most of the land lay barren and still. If Hypen found anything other than a flower growing he would pull it up by the roots and throw it into the compost pile. As the land grew gray and sterile, Hypen wasted away also. The loop on the top of his head drooped, like a deflated tire. His desire to make his chunk of land a happier place with flowers had died. He spent his last days worrying and hovering over the last few flowers that struggled desperately to grow to maturity in the dust. He could not afford the time it took to weed the desolate fields, but only a few spindly vines grew here and there in the depleted soil anyway. When the last flower died, so did Hypen Nupen. Willie's chunk of land flew off into space, with Willie still inside his little red-roofed house. Ottoborg never saw Willie again. What Ottoborg did not know (which this wall does) was that Willie's chunk of land drifted into the most dangerous part of space. You see, there were these nasty creatures called Victoids that flew about looking for food. Victoids had a giant nasty mouth full of giant nasty fangs and of course the hair that they were covered with was nasty. Anyway, four Victoids stumbled upon poor Willie Trombone who was alone just floating through space for quite some time. Willie, being the friendly type, held out a friendly hand and beckoned them, "Hey, hairy friends!" The Victoids screamed with glee when they saw Willie's yellow supple flesh. They figured that he was not a fool and that they would have to trick him before they could eat him. They were wrong, for Willie Trombone was a fool above all other fools and all of the time that they spent trying to trick him only gave the drifting giant Big Robot Bil enough time to arrive. Bil reached out with his mighty three arms and grabbed the floating chunk of land and hoisted himself up. Bil grew horrified as he saw his creator's son about to be devoured by vicious Victoids. That evening Willie Trombone dined on Victoids, saving their pelts to use as blankets on especially cold evenings. Willie and Bil became close friends and they enjoyed each other's company for a long time floating in space, until one day they saw something very far away... Something like a being in distress. Aloh Al kept a journal after Ottoborg's world broke into chunks. Here is copied the only known surviving excerpt from that diary: "My chunk of land has whooshed through a mysterious cloud of blue gas. The cloud is larger than some worlds that I have seen. I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to jump off the chunk and onto the gas. There is such a clutter of junk on the outer surface of the blue gas that it is virtually solid, yet kind of springy-sproingy. Wow! Am I tired! I think I will lay myself down to take a snooze on the junk that clutters the surface of this blue gas for I have not slept since before Ottoborg's world fell apart. I do not know how long I was sleeping, but I woke up because I felt something tiny and creepy crawling on my knee! I reached down and swatted it with my hand; there was just a yellow spot of goop when I brought my hand up to see what kind of bug it was. Then I heard the weirdest whiney-moany noise I have ever heard. I looked up and around and behind me, but I did not see anything. Then I looked down on the ground. I found myself surrounded by very little beings; some were laying down, I guess they must have fainted after seeing one of their own squashed by my big hand. I knew they were not bugs then because they were all staring at me, and because they were not all crawling over me, or biting me, or injecting their eggs under my skin to incubate there and hatch later. These are very teeny-tiny beings, indeed; when I compare them to myself, the tallest is only as big as my thumb. Each tiny being has a great head in comparision to the rest of its body. In fact, the head takes up as much space as the body. The two remarkable features of the head are the size of the head compared to the little body, and its almost perfect roundness; it is like a melon on a sliver! Each being's head has a mouth, but other than that, there is only one other facial feature: their globe-heads are devided into an upper and lower hemisphere by dark line at the equator. I perceived this dark line to be (all in one) the eyes, ears and nose of these beings, since they employed them much in their observation of myself and, with their mouths also, in communication with each other. I was very hungry, as I had traveled on my chunk of land for forty days and forty nights, or something like that. My first thought was to eat a handful of the little beings, but they held up their hands to ward me off and wailed in high-pitched whiney shrieks. The little beings understood that I was famished from the disgusting rumbling noises that my stomach made. Seemingly from thin air, they produced tiny, delicate green crystals in great abundance. In my hand they appeared as so many granules of green sugar, except not gritty; rather, these were gummy, and had a flavor that made me think green thoughts. As fast as I would pop a handful of the green stuff into my mouth, the little beings would bring me more. They also brought me a cup, though to them it would be a tub, of green liquid, which after I drank it, I perceived it to be wine made from the green gummy crystals. It had a very fine flavor, and it made me think rather mellow green thoughts. As much as the "Big Heads" (my name for them) speak to me, I never comprehend a single word they say; but I must help them drink their wine. One tiny being, who does most of the talking, seems to be in charge, since the others are always paying attention to him and they jump to action after he speaks. I suppose he is the father of these tiny beings. While he was speaking, he also did strange dances. He looked really stupid, waiving his arms about like that. After a few weeks of the father trying to talk to me, some others of these "Big Heads" dressed in tight colorful clothing came to bother me. Some rode upon wheely-thing around and around inside the loop on my head! One had the nerve to bounce up and down on my lips; I should have just opened my mouth and swallowed him whole! The only thing I did not really mind was the three beings that did flips and somersaults on the three spikes that stick out of my chest; that was kind of fun! Days and days of the same thing now: eating green gummy crystals, drinking green wine, watching the "Father Guy" (my name for him) flail about like he does and listening to his high pitched whining. Usually I just sit and smile at him, but when my cheeks get sore I imitate whatever he is doing. If he nods, I nod. If he shakes his head, I shake mine. I will not write in this diary unless something weird or exciting happens. How long have I been here? It is very hard to keep track of time when nothing new happens. Once again the "Father Guy" came out to bother me with his high pitched whining, although it seemed more fevered this time. He kept pointing off away from where we sat, then he stood up and stomped about, always pointing. It looked like a dance to me; as far as I knew it was a dance since I had never seen any of these little beings dance, so I stood up and danced. I tried to make the steps of my dance like the "Father Guy's," but he was not at all pleased with my imitation. I was busy trying to perfect my dancing step when I was suddenly hit from all sides by food! I assumed that it was my part in this strange dance to try and catch as much of the food as I could in my mouth. I was doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. I suppose I have an advantage over the little beings, since my mouth is so much bigger than any of theirs; perhaps this is why I was chosen for this special part of the dance. More of the "Big Heads" joined the crowd that was throwing the food at me, so that I finally could not keep up with the torrent of food. I do not mean to criticize, but many of the beings did not have very good aim. I was ducking and jumping, doing my best to get my face into place to catch the food, but a lot of it just splattered against my body! A lot more just landed on the ground, so that I stepped in a bunch of it as I moved around. And still more of the "Big Heads" came out to where we all were and they joined in the food throwing! I felt a little ridiculous since I could not possibly keep up the pace of the dance. And the little guys really showed no sign of letting up. By now a big circle of the beings surrounded me, all of them whining and shrieking same chant, I suppose. I decided to step out of the circle, and figured I would get another chance to get this dance right sometime later. But even after I stepped out of the circle, they continued to throw the food at me! I did not even try to catch it; I really wanted to practice this dance and try to do better the next time. As I stepped further away to get out of their throwing range, they finally stopped. They stopped their whining and shrieking chant too, and soon the "Big Heads" were cheering and clapping. I turned back to accept their applause. I think they appreciated that I tried so hard to catch all of the food, because as soon as I turned back, they started throwing more. I did not want to dance this food-catching dance any more! I turned my back to the "Big Heads" with big round heads and walked away as fast as I could. Before I knew it, I was walking up to another group of tiny beings. These beings remained silent as I approached; no whining or shrieking or moaning. These beings are just as tiny as the first beings I lived amongst, but they have different heads. Their heads seem to be the right size for their little bodies. Their faces are featureless except for a long, needle-like proboscis. These tiny beings seem to use this protuberance for all their communication and all their senses: sight, smell, taste, hearing, feeling. Some of these beings pointed their needle noses here and there over my body as I approached, but most kept them pointed at my feet. Just before I stepped up in front of the "Needle Noses" (my name for them), they began clapping. By the time I actually stopped, they were cheering and whooping and jumping up and down. This went on for quite a while. Then they began to quiet down and the crowd began to split down the middle. I noticed one "Needle Nose" coming through the crowd to stand in front of me. This "Needle Nose" seemed to have the respect of all the other "Needle Noses" because they all gave their attention to him as he stood in front of me; I could tell because all their needle-like noses where pointed at him instead of me. He must be their "Father Guy". After looking me over for a while, the "Father Guy" started speaking at me. I did not understand anything that he said to me, but I smiled at him the entire time that he spoke to me. I kept smiling at them all after the "Father Guy" finished; I was trying to think of something to do! I decided to say something back to them. "Well, it's really nice," I said, "for all of you to come out to greet me today. You know, I couldn't stand for any more of that food-throwing dance that the "Big Heads" do. You don't have a food throwing dance, do you? Do you guys understand me?" I smiled some more after I finished and waited for something to happen. All the "Needle Noses" did was turn around and walk away! They kept looking over their shoulders as they left, but they did not seem to care if I followed or if I stayed where I was. I decided I might as well stay where I was. I sat down and waited to see what would happen. For days and days I sat there and nothing happened. At first the "Needle Noses" kept looking over their shoulders at me, but after a few days they seemed to forget I was there! After a week or so of being ignored, I was hungry, so I followed some of the "Needle Noses" around as they went about their daily chores, and every so often they would look over their shoulders at me. Mostly, what they did all day was spit on the ground. It was a disgusting sight! They would form lines and walk through the fields and the spit on the ground, day after day. All the time, spitting! Day after day, no matter where I was, no matter what I observed them do, they were always spitting! I do not know why I did not notice it before. Then I noticed all their food came from the fields they had been spitting in all this time! Food from spit! Now that they were harvesting, they had time to notice me. For the first time since I arrived in the "Needle Nose" land, they offered me food. How could I accept it after seeing them spit all the time to produce the food? I ran away, sickened to my stomach. After what I am sure must be something like 100 years, I could not take living among any of these tiny beings any more; I was being starved by the "Needle Noses" and I did not want to go back to the "Big Heads" to have them throw more food at me during their crazy dance. I felt defeated and hung my head in dejection. Now, since I was standing on a cloud of blue gas, as the gas swirled and spun I could often see through the gas or at least deep into the center of it. Something fuzzy, as if in the distance on the other side of the cloud, caught my eye. The shape grew larger and a little more defined as it came close. All at once I clapped my hands and whooped for joy! I did not need a crystal clear view of the object to recognize it as the very chunk of land that had broken off of Ottoborg's world and brought me to this miserable place. At once I realized what was happening: the chunk of land was caught in a circular orbit and the blue gas must be going in a straight line that took it through two points in that circle. I cried out, 'For sure, I am the luckiest of all of Ottoborg's sons!' Carefully, as it passed through the cloud of blue gas, I jumped off the springy surface of debris and onto my chunk of my father's world. I have not been on the chunk of land for about three minutes, long enough to make this latest entry into my journal. Gee, it's great to be back 'home' again! I hope I never..." Here the excerpt of the diary ends abruptly. It is said that the chunk of land that Aloh Al was on suddenly smashed into a dirt clod that collided with it head-on. Both the chunk and the clod were traveling at great speeds upon impact. Nothing was ever seen of Aloh Al again. Creeker's chunk of land was the biggest and it was full of lakes. There was actually more land covered by water than not. Creeker survived many centuries on the chunk - long enough to learn how to create and build giant replicas of spoons and butter-knives, enormous buckets filled with oversized sesame seeds, and huge loaves of bread, among other things. Creeker used the soil of the dry land on his chunk as the material for his sculptures. Whenever he would get tired of looking at one of his colossal sculptures, he would just throw it into a lake. Each of the colossal sculptures displaced enormous amounts of water, covering up a little more try land each time one was thrown into a lake. When he was not sculpting, Creeker would be out scrutinizing one of his previous sculptures. He was very critical of his work. He always concluded that the sculpture did not communicate the concept that was the impetus behind the work; or he saw a hair or a bug sticking out of the clay. In any case, he was always frustrated. None of his works seemed to express his vision just the right way. He could not quite put his finger on the problem, but his general feeling was that it had to do with the size of the sculpture. "If only it was a little bit bigger...", he would often say to himself. Then he would heave the thing into the nearest lake. His mind was focused intently on making each new sculpture larger than the previous one, whether it be a giant replica of a Red Pod bulb of a mostly empty jar that had been sitting in the back of a valley for eight weeks. Eventually, he spent very little time examining his finished works, but with an exclamation of disgust he would throw the work into the nearest lake (which, after a while, seemed to be conveniently closer and closer) just as soon as it was done and immediately start on the next one. The replicas were by this time so large that he had to climb them to work on the upper parts. The largest sculpture Creeker ever completed was of a baby's arm holding an apple. It was such a titanic work that he had to use spikes and ropes to get up it. When he finished, he had to rapple down the back of the arm. He backed up to get a good look at it, but could not back up very far since he was on a beach. Again, his disgust and frustration overcame him as he said, "No, no, no. That's not it at all!" Then Creeker rushed at the base of the sculpture to push it into the water. He barely budged it, but it was top heavy since the apple at the top was enormous, so that his push was enough motion to cause the sculpture to fall over. Creeker turned to start on a new sculpture, (he had in mind a great pair of tongs digging into a bucket of sand) and he never saw the tidal wave that fell upon him. Hondo's chunk of land ended up on the back of a giant animal that lived in a desert on an undocumented planet. Hondo seemed to like the animal enough, and he was so small that the animal did not detect his existence. There was not much that Hondo could tell about what the animal looked like. It was a colossal beast compared to Hondo. He took many survey journeys that went on for days and days across the top of the beast to see if it looked different from other locations. As he walked, he noticed the color of the ground changed; presently he would be passing over an area that was brown, then fifteen feet or so further he would pass over an area that was yellow. The surface he walked on was hard and mostly smooth, but it was terraced into short, flat little hills all over. When he came to the edge, he was looking around and he almost fell off. He got down on his stomach to look over the edge. There was nothing between him and the ground which was very far away; if he had jumped, the fall would have broken every bone in his body. He was on the lip of an overhang, and he reached under it to see if he could feel how far back it went, but the overhang went straight back and kept going. Then he carefully lowered his head over to look and see how far back this overhang went. He could not see it though, there was so much dark shadow he could only see about as far as his hand reached. Hondo got up and decided to walk directly away from the edge. He grew very tired almost immediately as the surface began ascending right away. It took a day to reach the summit, so he slept there. In the morning Hondo was able to see very far from the top of the animal. The sky was all blue, and the land was all beige. He saw that the highest hilly part of this animal sloped down in all directions around from where he stood. Ed's chunk just spun in place, forever. Homen Quater made Homen and gave him two crowns and let him decide what to do with the extra one. Homen had a son named Pinto Bunyan to whom he immediately gave his second crown. Pinto Bunyan helped Homen with all that he did. Homen made a bunch of beings called Ynts. The Ynts were blue and looked like little bugs. The Blue Ynts spent their first day of existence fashioning small spears. Soon the Ynts had broken up into small communities. Each community had a specific task to accomplish which helped all of the other Ynt communities. Blue Ynt South was in charge of growing food. Blue Ynt North built housing for other communities, and so on and so forth. All was peaceful and working efficiently, so Pinto Bunyan made some Ynts of his own - only his were white. Now it came about, when the White Ynts began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, that the sons of the Blue Ynts saw that the daughters of the White Ynts were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. The Hutza Mutza were in the world in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of Blue Ynts came into the daughters of White Ynts, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty Ynts who were of old, Ynts of renown. The White Ynts instantly mingled with the Blue Ynts but they refused to acknowledge the community system of the Blue Ynts. The White Ynts enjoyed the fruits of all the Blue Ynts' hard work, but did not help them work at all. It only took one White Ynt to throw an egg at a Blue Ynt one morning to cause a dreadful feud. So Hemhemhema, of the Blue Ynts, rose with all the Blue Ynts of war to go up to White Ynt East; and Hemhemhema chose 30,000 Blue Ynts, valiant warriors, and sent them out at night. And he commanded them, saying, "See, you are going to ambush the city from behind it. Do not go very far from the city, but all of you be ready. Then I and all the Blue Ynts who are with me will approach the city. And it will come about when they come out to meet us as at the first, that we will flee before them. And they will come out after us until we have drawn them away from the city, for they will say, 'They are fleeing before us as at the first.' So we will flee before them. And you shall rise from your ambush and take possession of the city. Then it will be when you have seized the city, that you shall set the city on fire. See I have commanded you." Most of those Ynts of war in attendance could not understand Hemhemhema for the language he used was flowery and outdated. Still, few in attendance there from among all of those in attendance did harken and understand. Even did they reckon the sayings of Hemhemhema. And straight-away did they clue-in their buddies who were just lollygagging about, scratching their heads. At once all who heard this explanation did understand Hemhemhema's plan, so Hemhemhema sent them away, and they went to the place of ambush and remained between White Ynt West and White Ynt East, and the west side of White Ynt East; but Hemhemhema spent that night at the Wagon Leisure Inn. Now Hemhemhema rose early in the morning and mustered the Blue Ynts, and he went up with the elders of Blue Ynt before the Blue Ynts to White Ynt East. Then all the Blue Ynts of war who were with him went up and drew near and arrived in front of the city, and camped on the north side of White Ynt East. Now there was a valley between him and White Ynt East. And he took about 5,000 Blue Ynts and set them in ambush between White Ynt West and White Ynt East, on the west side of the city. So they stationed the Blue Ynts, all the army that was on the north side of the city, and its rear guard on the west side of the city, and Hemhemhema spent that night in Sid's "Garden Spot" Lodge. And it came about when the king of White Ynt East saw it, that the men of the city hurried and rose up early and went out to meet the Blue Ynts in battle, he and all his people at the appointed place before the desert plain. But he did not know that there was an ambush against him behind the city. And Hemhemhema and all the Blue Ynts pretended to be beaten before them, and fled by the way of the wilderness. And all the people who were in the city were called together to pursue them, and they pursued Hemhemhema, and were drawn away from the city. So not an Ynt was left in White Ynt East or White Ynt West who had not gone out after Blue Ynts and they left the city unguarded and pursued Blue Ynts. Then Homen said to Hemhemhema, "Stretch out the spear that is in your hand toward White Ynt East, for I will give it into your hand." So Hemhemhema stretched out the spear that was in his hand toward the city. And the men in ambush rose quickly from their place, and when he had stretched out his hand, they ran and entered the city and captured it; and they quickly set the city on fire. When the men of White Ynt East turned back and looked, behold, the smoke of the city ascended to the sky, and they had no place to flee this way or that, for the people who had been fleeing to the wilderness turned against the persuers. When Hemhemhema and all Blue Ynts saw that the men in ambush had captured the city and that the smoke of the city ascended, they turned back and slew the men of White Ynt East. And the others came out from their city to encounter them, so that they were trapped in the midst of Blue Ynts, some on this side and some on that side; and they slew them until no one was left of those who survived or escaped. But they took alive the king of White Ynt East and brought him to Hemhemhema. Now it came about when the Blue Ynts had finished killing all the inhabitants of White Ynt East in the field in the wilderness where they persued them, and all of them were fallen by the spear until they were destroyed, then all the Blue Ynts returned to White Ynt East and struck it with the spear. And all who fell that day, both male and female, were 12,000 (all the people of White Ynt East). For Hemhemhema did not withdraw his hand with which he stretched out the spear until he had utterly destroyed all the inhabitants of White Ynt East. So Hemhemhema burned White Ynt East and made it a heap forever, a desolation until this day. And he hanged the king of White Ynt East on a tree until evening and at sunset. Hemhemhema gave a command and they took his body down from the tree, and threw it at the entrance of the city gate and raised over it a great heap of stones that stands to this day. So Itchigoplasty and all the White Ynts who were with him arose by night and lay in wait against Blue Ynt South in four companies. Now Pimento Loofa the son of Texadrill went out and stood in the entrance of the city gate, and said, "Who is Itchigoplasty that we should serve him?"; and Itchigoplasty and the White Ynts who were with him arose from the ambush. And when Pimento Loofa, of the Blue Ynts, saw the White Ynts, he said to Factotron, "Look, Ynts are coming down from the tops of the mountains." But Factotron said to him, "You are seeing the shadow of the mountains as if they were Ynts." And Pimento Loofa spoke again and said, "Behold, Ynts are coming down from the highest part of the land, and one company comes by the way of the Diviners' Sandwich." Then Factotron said to him, "Where is your boasting now with which you said, 'Who is Itchigoplasty that we should serve him?' Are these not the White Ynts whom you despised? Go out now and fight with them!" So Pimento Loofa went out before the leaders of Blue Ynt South and fought with Itchigoplasty. And Itchigoplasty chased him and he fled before him; and many fell wounded at the entrance of the gate. Then Itchigoplasty remained at Blue Ynt West, but Factotron drove out Pimento Loofa and his relatives so that they could not remain in Blue Ynt South. Now it came about the next day, that Blue Ynts went out to the field, and it was told to Itchigoplasty. So he took his White Ynts and devided them into three companies, and lay in wait in the field; when he looked and saw the Ynts coming out from the city, he arose against them and slew them. Then Itchigoplasty and the company who was with him dashed forward and stood in the entrance of the city gate; the other two companies then dashed against all who were in the field and slew them. And Itchigoplasty fought against the city all that day, and he captured the city and killed the Blue Ynts who were in it; then he razed the city and sowed it with salt. When all the leaders of the tower of Blue Ynt South heard of it, they entered the inner chamber of the temple of Holmarrk (or "The Door"). And it was told to Itchigoplasty that all the leaders of the tower of Blue Ynt South were gathered together. So Itchigoplasty went up to Mount Chlorescent; he and all the Ynts who were with him, and Itchigoplasty took an ax in his hand and cut down a branch from the trees, and lifted it and laid it on his shoulder. Then he said to the Ynts who were with him, "What you have seen me do, hurry and do likewise." And all the Ynts also cut down each one his branch and followed Itchigoplasty, and put them on the inner chamber and set the inner chamber on fire over those inside, so that all the men of the tower of Blue Ynt South also died, about a thousand men and women. Then Itchigoplasty went to Blue Ynt Southwest and he camped against Blue Ynt Southwest and captured it. But there was a strong tower in the center of the city, and all the men and women with all the leaders of the city fled there and shut themselves in, and they went up on the roof of the tower. So Itchigoplasty came to the tower and fought against it, and approached the entrance of the tower to burn it with fire. But a certain female Ynt threw a 16 ton weight on Itchigoplasty's head, crushing his skull. Then he called quickly to a young Ynt, his armor bearer, and said to him, "Draw your spear and kill me, lest it be said of me, 'A female Ynt slew him!' So the young Ynt pierced him through and he died. And when the White Ynts saw that Itchigoplasty was dead, each departed to his home. When the Blue Ynts and the White Ynts started to fight, so did Pinto Bunyan and Homen. Quater stepped-in, and took Pinto Bunyan's crown away and gave it to a new being he made called Arven. Hoborg Quater wanted to see what would happen if he made a creative being with a big heart. Quater named him Hoborg, meaning "big heart". Hoborg was given a crown and he set-out into a void of clouds as Quater watched him from a distance. Hoborg liked the idea of making a place for some beings of his own. He knew that the clouds that swirled around him would make a perfect sky, so he just needed to make some land. One thing that concerned Hoborg was that perhaps some of his beings would came out bad. He wanted to make beings which he could enjoy forever, but he did not want to force them to love and respect him. He decided that he would make his beings with the ability to choose right and wrong. Working everything out in his head, he figured he could make one child at a time and see if he turned out good before he started on the next. Hoborg made a tiny scale model of his world in Klay (or clay) to see if it looked the way he had imagined it. He spent about twenty years designing the shapes and colors of this place which he would call The Overhood. He needed some Klay to make his world and the only place where Klay could be found that was of the purity and quality Hoborg wanted, would take four hundred years to reach. He was so anxious to get started that he asked for help from Quater. "Quater, thank you for making me with such a fine crown... everything in life is just wonderful but I was wondering..." Hoborg got down on one knee. "Can you help get me to the Klay of Highest Quality?" Quater laughed, "That would take even me a long time to reach! What's wrong with the clay that I have already given you?" Hoborg answered, "I like the clay you gave me for planning things, but I was hoping for the best ingredients for my beings. You see, I want them to last forever and clay only lasts for a few thousand years." Quater was impressed, "Here is a scope that will help you see as far as you need to. You will be able to pick the shortest path to the Klay which should save you quite a few years of travel." Hoborg received the scope, "Oh, thank you Quater! You are very generous." Hoborg started on his journey that same day. Looking through the scope he could clearly see the Mountain of Klay he needed to build the Overhood. Every day was the same, Hoborg awoke before sunrise so that he could travel far without heat. But before he set off to travel each morning, he thought lofty respectful thoughts about Quater. Hoborg, in his ever-so-deep voice, would sing songs to the ground about how good it was to have been made. After a morning's journey, Hoborg would cover himself up in soil and rest. He resumed his mission in the afternoon and walked toward the great Mountain of Klay until late in the evening. After 20 years of travel, Hoborg grew very lonely. Soon he could not stand to go on. He found a chunk of land upon which he could stop and rest. It had one spindly vine growing on it, and Hoborg lay down beside it to enjoy the shade it provided so he might be delivered from his discomfort. And Hoborg was extremely happy about the plant. But at dawn the next day a worm came and attacked the plant and it withered. And it came about when the sun came up, that a scorching east wind and the white light of the sun beat down on Hoborg's head so that he became faint and begged to die, saying, "Death is better to me than life." Hoborg could not get himself to do anything, he just lay there. Hoborg began to scrape, absent-mindedly, at the dirt where his hand lay. Then he said, "Scraping is better to me than death." It was a fine, dry dirt that was packed down and baked hard by the white sun. His fingers bent, lifted and stretched; bent, lifted and stretched; bent, lifted and stretched, scratching relentlessly. His fingers scraped through the layers of fine dust and grit day after day. Just a few grains of dust and grit required weeks of scraping before it broke loose from the ground, the ground was that hard and compacted. More and more dirt added to the pile under his palm each month. During the years that passed, the only sound he heard were the scraping of his hand on the dirt and his breathing. After a pile big enough to pick up formed under his hand, he grabbed it, spat on it and squeezed it and squeezed it and squeezed it until his hand turned white and his knuckles made popping noises. Hoborg sat up and looked at what lay in his palm as he opened his fist. He saw that he had formed a clod of dirt. Now the worm that had attacked the spindly vine and caused it to wither popped his head out of the ground and admired the clod, saying, "My, what a nice clod of dirt you've got there!" Looking Hoborg up and down, it asked, "Did you make that all by yourself?" "Yes, I did." said Hoborg. "If I were you," said the worm, "I'd stay right here and make more dirt clods. You could fashion them into beings and populate this chunk of land with them. After all, did you really see a pile of Klay through the scope Quater gave you? Or did you just want to see it because Quater said you would be able to see it?" Hoborg answered, "Actually, Quater said the scope would enable me to see the shortest path to the Klay, and because of that, I should save quite a few years of travel. But I've been traveling for so long..." And the worm said to Hoborg, "You haven't saved any time in your journey. You haven't ever seen Klay, have you? I wonder if Quater has ever seen Klay?" When Hoborg thought of it that way, he also began to wonder. Was there even such a thing as Klay? He had only heard about it; he'd never seen any. Then a thought occurred to Hoborg. Sure, it had taken many years to collect enough dirt to make this one clod, but he had plenty of time, and he knew there was plenty of dirt right here; he did not have to keep searching for Klay. Or he could continue his journey, not even knowing when or if he would reach his goal. He considered making more dirt clods and creating clod-beings right there to populate the chunk of land he had stopped on to rest. Sure, it would take a lot of spit, but Hoborg figured he would find a way to work-up enough. And now that he had a purpose for scraping he could use both hands and save time. First he would finish creating a being from the dirt clod he already had made. Hoborg knelt beside the thing he had put together. The hideous outrage of dirt stretched out, and then, as he worked the clod with his hands, it began to show signs of life, and stirred with an uneasy, half-vital motion. Frightful it must have been; for supremely frightful was the effect of his endeavor to mock the stupendous mechanism of his own creator, Quater. His success terrified Hoborg; he cast away his odious handiwork, horror-stricken, as far and with as much velocity as he could throw it. He hoped that, left to itself, out wherever it might land, the slight spark of life which had received such imperfect animation, would subside into dead matter. Hoborg went to sleep in the belief that the silence of the grave would quench forever the transient existence of the hideous clod which he had looked upon as the cradle of life. He slept; but in a dream he was awakened; he opened his eyes; beheld the horrid thing standing at his side under the spindly vine (in Hoborg's dream it grew back), and it looked on him with yellow, spit oozing, but speculative eyes. Hoborg awoke (for real), and was horror-stricken because he saw something far away, and it was growing less and less far away with every minute. At first he thought it was the clod-creature coming back to get him, but as it got closer, he could see that it was much bigger than a dirt clod. A short while passed before Hoborg could make out the shape. It was a piece of land with a little red-roofed house on it. There was a big robot and a little being on it. Hoborg realized that these folks would pass him if he did not act quickly so he took off his belt from around his waist and made a lasso. He figured that it still was not long enough to reach this passing land mass, so in act of desperation he gouged a chunk of his chest out and rolled it into a great snake that extended the end of his belt. This contraption was long enough to lasso the land, which halted when the cord went taut. The big robot pointed to Hoborg's chest and said, "Meeee Bil. Meeee Bil." Hoborg waved and answered, "Meeee Hoborg. I am Hoborg." The smaller being (slightly smaller than Hoborg, but one fiftieth the size of Bil) pointed to Hoborg's chest and said, "Me think hims pointing your torso, big ouch!" Hoborg had not realized that his guts were oozing out of the large fissure he had created in his chest. "Good Quater! What am I going to do?" The small being took off his own belt and instructed Bil to carry him down to where Hoborg was. The being jumped into Bil's hand and he walked over to where Hoborg sat, about to pass-out. "Me Willie," the stranger said as he tied his belt over Hoborg's chest, clamping the severed sections together, and closing up the self-inflicted injury. Hoborg placed his hand on Willie's shoulder, "Hello, Willie, I am Hoborg and you just saved my life!" Willie did not seem to acknowledge this statement. Hoborg figured Willie was not altogether sane, but he was grateful just the same. After a few days of rest, Hoborg decided it was best to continue on his journey. Hoborg asked Bil and Willie if they wanted to join him. Bil just said, "Meeeeeee Bil. Meeeee Bil," and Willie mumbled a bunch of gibberish to himself. Hoborg liked their company, but he figured that they did not want to come along so he tearfully said good-bye. Hoborg was surprised to find that when he walked, Bil and Willie followed him. Hoborg did not question them, he just grew happy inside and continued toward the Klay. Big Robot Bil (Hoborg found out his full name because it was engraved on the back of his foot) proved most useful for carrying Willie and Hoborg and the little red-roofed house over canyons too steep to climb. Hoborg noticed, while being carried by Big Robot Bil, that Bil's chest had a switch inside it marked "good" at the present setting and "bad" on the other setting. Hoborg dared not find out what the "bad" setting did, but he thought it must be a poorly thought-out attempt at dealing with the same problems he had when he was planning the making of beings that were capable of doing right and wrong. Within a few more years the three made it to the Klay. It was a mountain of the purest Klay in the known universe and Hoborg found it to be of higher quality than he or even Quater imagined it would be. He filled his crown up with a few good sized hunks of Klay; Bil and Willie carried a few hunks to help. All together, Hoborg figured there was enough to make his Overhood and about two thousand beings. On the way back to where Hoborg had started his journey, a Tickberger came upon the trio. A Tickberger is something all icky and sticky that Quater always said to run away from. Hoborg yelled for Bil to grab Willie and himself and make a run for it. A Tickberger is made to want what other beings have. He could tell that they had a bunch of Klay so he licked his lips, exposed his fangs and said, "Klaaaaaay!" As fast as Bil could run, it was not fast enough to outrun the nimble Tickberger. The ID panel on the back of Bil's foot was removed with one swipe of Tickberger's razor sharp claw. Hoborg saw that Bil was slowing down and that they would soon perish if they did not do something quick. Hoborg threw all of the spare Klay over to the ground below. He figured the amount remaining would still be enough to make a medium sized world and about five hundred beings. The problem was that as soon as Hoborg dumped the Klay, Tickberger gobbled it up, and it was still closing in on Bil. Hoborg nervously threw some more Klay out and this time Tickberger ate it but slowed down considerably. This was not good enough, since Bil also was slowing down considerably from the exhausting pace. He simply could not carry on much longer. Hoborg decided that he would have to be happy with about twenty beings in a small neighborhood as a world. With that, he dumped most of his Klay over with just a bit left for his greatly reduced plans. It worked this time since Tickberger stopped completely and could not follow them since he was stuffed with so much Klay. Bil continued under Hoborg's guidance, holding the little red-roofed house on his shoulder where Willie and Hoborg could ride and room together. After many years' journey, Hoborg returned and was ready to build "The Everhood," a neighborhood that would last forever... ... so long as nothing went wrong Arven Arven is a sleek and fast being who created thousands of beings from the first moment he was given a crown. Besides his crown, there is an aerodynamic fin off the back of his head because he is so fast. His style of creating is fast: get in, create, get out. He does not keep account of the worlds he creates nor the beings he creates to inhabit them. Quater made Arven quiet, serious, lean and efficient. Arven has spoken only once to some of the beings he has created. Quater wanted to make a being who would fill up the rest of creation with more worlds and planets and beings. Arven does not even take the time to create beings who will be creators themselves. Arven now has seven worlds that his beings inhabit: NORDO is a world consisting of a group of seven planets, each with a civilization of its own. The inhabitants of each planet have a distinct mythology with the common element of the seven planets fighting amongst each other. But they never do in reality. This makes the various races of the seven planets fear each other intensely, though there is no real need to do so. The seven planets are: Idsnak - inhabited by the Skullmonkeys. Skullmonkeys look like monkeys with skulls for heads. Skullmonkeys spend the whole day chasing each other in a nervous, hyperactive way. While Skullmonkeys would love to scare the young of other civilizations, they can not, for other worlds are not accessible to them. For this reason, transportation research is a primary concern of the smarter Skullmonkeys. Alpha Jaw, the leader of the Kingdom of the Skullmonkeys, hoped to have a spaceship of some kind built to fly to planets full of youth to scare. One day while Alpha Jaw busied himself with detailed plans of a great ramp to launch a great rocket, his assistant Hairy Jo climbed down the great fort and decided to rest at the watering hole. Hairy Jo drank deeply from the pure waters and looked at himself in the still reflection. He poked his finger in his ovicular foramen and wondered what it would be like to have flesh on his head. "I am very ugly." thought Hairy Jo. This was an odd thought since most Skullmonkeys have no concern for appearances. "For this reason I will cast myself into the water, and live no more." he said, then jumped. His body made a loud splash and he felt the cool water touch every part of his body. His hair grew deeply saturated with water until all of the air bubbles wriggled their way up to the surface. Hairy Jo exhaled and sank even deeper, far deeper perhaps, than any other Skullmonkey had ever gone before. Weightless, he refused to move or struggle. Dark waters surrounded him and he thought about his youth. Hairy Jo remembered a particularly unpleasant day many years before when he was just a lad-Skullmonkey receiving his lesson from an elder named Low Jaw. "Many are the hairs on our backs," said Low Jaw, "and likewise are the number of Skullmonkeys in this world." Hairy Jo looked up to Low Jaw as a father figure. For weeks, Hairy Jo followed every move Low Jaw made. If Low Jaw went into the forest to forage for nuts and grubs so went Hairy Jo. If Low Jaw tended to his garden, so did Hairy Jo. One especially warm and beautiful day Hairy Jo was on his way to Low Jaw's cave when he saw a great crowd gathered around the entrance. Many Skullmonkeys were howling to show their mournful state. Low Jaw's wife was the gloomiest of all... she was like a brittle fall leaf blown into a corner. Hairy Jo pushed his way to the front of the crowd demanding to see his mentor. Low Jaw gently swung by his neck, hung from a braided piece of cloth his two children had made. His children were the first to find him in this state. The peculiar thing that Hairy Jo recalled, was that he had shaved himself completely naked. Arnod - inhabited by the Rrs. Rrs observe other planets and civilizations hoping one day to apply all that they have learned to their own civilization. This is not likely, however, since they find comfort in research and are terrified of application. Rrs are extremely advanced in the arts of the mind which they use to read other beings' minds. Every other generation in the Rrs' lifeline produces an Omega Rr. Omega Rrs have such superior mind control that they can use their minds to form physical doorways between worlds. This has been outlawed by Arven, and only because Quater brought this to his attension. But the Omega Rrs were not stopped until after they had moved a few Ynts, Skullmonkeys and even Rrs to other planets. Ba'ak - inhabited by Half-Skullmonkeys, who are half Blue Ynt. Called "Blue-Ynt-Skullmonkeys" these beings look just like White Ynts since the mating of a Skullmonkey with a Blue Ynt causes a loss of pigmentation in the offspring resulting in a Blue Ynt that appears to be white. There is no other visual effect on the offspring from the Skullmonkeys, though their behavior is more like that of a Skullmonkey than the community-building Blue Ynts. Guhrli - inhabited by Proto-Skullmonkeys. These pitiful beings have to bury themselves up to their necks every night in the rich Guhrli soil to keep from dying of dehydration. They can only eat HoBread, which can only be made by grinding up the largest Wx and adding them to HoBatter before it rises. (Arven corrected all of these limitations in the final design of Skullmonkeys.) Guhrli has a monthly orbit that floats so close to Wx that the Proto-Skullmonkeys can harvest the plumpest ´Wx for their HoBread. Due to the Proto-Skullmonkeys' tie to the soil of Guhrli every evening, colonizing Wx with Proto-Skullmonkeys is not possible. Wx - inhabited by Wx. Wx are fat, furry and yellowish in color. Wx reproduce asexually and often, which would create an overcrowding problem if they were not harvested each month by the Proto-Skullmonkeys. Hapsborg - inhabited by one Rr and one Skullmonkey who became best friends. The Rr's name is Rrheostan and the Skullmonkey's name is Mazzimoast. Their first year on Hapsiborg was one of confused emotions. Because of the myth of the seven planets fighting amongst each other, Mazzimoast and Rrheostan feared each other, but they were lonely and longed for companionship also. Rrheostan, behaving in perfect Rr fashion, wanted to study Mazzimoast and all of his habits. He spent a lot of time following the Skullmonkey's tracks to see where he went, examining his feces to see what he ate, and climbing up trees to see where he lived. They found that helping each other was their only chance at happiness and survival. While they were extremely productive during the first hundred years of friendship, they now just sit in front of their houses swapping grossly exaggered stories of their first year together. Yanko - inhabited by the followers of Mai Kea. Mai Kea was said to live on Hapsborg, though in reality he did not exist at all by any known records. Yankites (beings of Yanko) find pleasure in making intricate art works for Mai Kea. Perhaps the greatest works of art known to Quater are made in Yanko. It is for this reason that no one has the heart to tell the Yankites that Mai Kea does not exist. The other six worlds that Arven made: PLASMO is an enormous cloud of beings, each too small to be seen by the naked eye. Rrs have projected their minds there. ALFATIC - is the world of the R'Goss. Each successive generation is born bigger than the previous. As the R'Goss of each generation get into their senior years, you hear tham making statements like, "These punks think they're so big!" or, "When I was your age, we had to stand on a chair to get the fondue pot down from the top kitchen cabinet." The houses of their ancestors are not usable for the newer generations; they just can not fit through the front doors. ALPA FAMALPA is a world where the adults are ruled by their children. The children send the parents on time-consuming, frivolous tasks that keep the parents from doing anything but what the children desire. One might think that a society like this would collapse in anarchy. But to satisfy each whim of their children, the Alparense (or parents) constantly develop new technologies. For instance, when a child, looking up at the evening sky, said, "I want to see what that white dot is, up there!" and threw a fit, his Alparense worked night and day till they invented a telescope. When other children saw it they all wanted one, so a telescope factory was built. In similar ways, advances are made throughout Alpa Femalpa. Alpa Femalpa families have from one to three children, rarely more. One child, being childish, may say, "Yes!" when she is asked if she wants a baby brother or sister. She does not have the ability to realize that she will have to share command of the Alparense with her sibling, since the Alparense must be obedient to all their children. That child will not be fooled again if she is asked a second time after the birth of her sibling. Later, when the new baby is old enough to answer, the Alparense may be able to ask him while the older sister is not around (and if she has not already warned the boy of the danger of a third sibling) if he wants a baby brother. If a third child is born into the family, the older two will rarely ever let the Alparense out of their sight; this prevents the Alparense from getting the chance to ask the youngest if he or she wants a baby sister or brother. As a favor to Homen, Arven made the world FLIMBY for the White Ynts. Most of the White Ynts were taken by Arven so the Blue Ynts could live in peace once again. The White Ynts depended on the hard-working, resourceful Blue Ynts for survival, since the White Ynts are shiftless, no-good bums. To survive being in a world with no Blue Ynts, the smarter White Ynts (called "Rogling") conned the not-so-smart White Ynts (called "Habling") into "converting" into Blue Ynts. Here are some tales of the Rogling conning the Habling into being Blue Ynts: One night, Papto, tired of wandering in the woods of Flimby, saw the light from a window of a treecutter's cottage. Papto did not have his own cottage because he was too lazy to build one. He thought to go to the cottage to see if the Ynts inside would let him stay, so he went to the door and knocked. The treecutter's wife opened the door and said, "Shoo! I don't let anyone in while my husband is not in the house" Go away, already!" And she slammed the door in his face. Papto was hungry, too, and he had smelled the dinner cooking in the cottage while the door was open. He looked around for something to eat and saw a discarded Gflutoburger box on the roof of the cottage. He hoped there might be a Gflutoburger still in the box, but if not, even licking the Gflutoburger sauce from the bottom of the box would be delicious. After quietly making his way onto the roof, Papto found a hole in it through which he could spy on the wife of the treecutter. Obviously the treecutter was too lazy to fix the hole. When he peaked through the hole, Papto saw a beautiful table set out with a savory junk roast, klootifish, and wine. The treecutter's wife and the county tree censor were seated at the table ready to dine. Now Papto heard the treecutter lumbering home just then, and so did Mrs. treecutter. The treecutter was as nice a guy as you would want to meet, but his one quirk was that the mere sight of a county tree censor put him into a fit of rage. And that was why the censor was paying a neighborly visit to the wife, because he knew that the treecutter was out; and the good woman would therefore fix up the best vittles she had. As Papto watched through the hole, she threw everything on the table into cupboards and drawers and hid the censor in a trunk she used as a coffee table. "What are you doing on my roof?" the treecutter asked Papto. "You'd better come in and eat dinner with me and stay in the spare room." Papto brought the Gflutoburger box in with him, but kept it out of sight. The wife acted very glad to see them both and set the table and gave them each a big bowl of Toriweet (a gray, tasteless paste). Papto's mouth watered thinking about the junk roast, klootifish, and the other delicacies he had seen. He brought his Gflutoburger box up to his ear and opened and closed it a few times. "What have you got there?" asked the treecutter. "Oh, that's my Gflutospirit-guide," answered Papto. "He says don't eat this Toriweet, eat the junk roast, klootifish and other things he had a Gflutospirit hide in the cupboards just now." "Super!" exclaimed the treecutter, who jumped up and found all the wonderful food which his wife had hidden there, but which he thought the Gflutospirit had brought forth. The wife of the treecutter dared not say a word, but put all the food on the table. Now Papto put his box up to his ear again and opened and closed it. "What's he say now?" asked the treecutter. "He says don't forget the wine behind you in that drawer." So Papto and the treecutter enjoyed the wine also. The treecutter wanted to see the Gflutospirit this guide used to provide these wonderful things. "Can the guide conjure the Gflutospirit here for us to see?" asked the treecutter. "I wouldn't be troubled about looking at him; now that we finished off that wine I'm kind of loopy!" "But of course!" said Papto. "This guide does whatever I tell it to do, don't you?" Here he nodded at the Gflutoburger box in his hand. "He says 'Yes.' But the Gflutospirit is very ugly; we might puke if we were to look upon it so soon after eating." "So who's afraid of a little barf? What will he look like?" "Well, you see, he'll look just like a county tree censor." "Gah! That is ugly! I must tell you, I go into fits of rage when I see a county tree censor; but I'll be okay knowing that it's really a Gflutospirit." So Papto opened the box and whispered into it, then he put it up to his ear. "Very well." said Papto. "He's in the trunk you use as a coffee table. We may go look at it now, but don't let it out of the trunk!" "Help me hold the lid." said the lumberjack. And they all went over to the trunk where the wife had hidden the county tree censor. They opened the lid and peeked in; then the treecutter slammed the lid closed. "Wow! He is ugly! Yuck!" After that, they agreed they needed another drink. They opened another drawer and found another bottle of wine. Much later, the treecutter said, "You must sell me the Gflutospirit-guide in the box. Ask as much as you want. I'll pay anything." "No, I could never do that," said Papto, "just imagine what I can use him for!" "Oh, I do so want that Gflutospirit-guide so much! Oh, please, please, please, please, please, oh please, pleeese, oh please, please, please, please, oh oh, please, oh please, please, please, please, please, puh-leeease, please, oh please, please, oh please, please!" cried the treecutter; and he kept on begging. "Well," said Papto, at last, "if you promise that you and your wife will pretend to be Blue Ynts for the next three years for me, then I will give you this Gflutoburger box." "It's a deal!" said the treecutter. "But you must take that trunk with that Gflutospirit that looks like a county tree censor away with you; it gives me the creeps!" When Papto left in the morning, he took the trunk. On his way, on the other side of the woods, was a very deep river. The water rushed by under the bridge he was crossing and the river thundered in the quiet of the forest. "Whew!" said Papto. "I'm tired! This trunk feels like it's full of my brother's weights. I think I may as well throw it in the river, and if it floats home to me, great; if not, no big deal." Then he lifted one end of the trunk, just a little. "No!" cried the censor from within the trunk, "let me out first!" "Aaaaaah!" screamed Papto, pretending to be frightened, "The Gflutospirit is still in there! I'd better throw him in fast, so he'll drown!" "No, no, no!" exclaimed the censor. "I'll be a Blue Ynt for you for three years if you let me out." "I could do that!" said Papto. And for the next three years he did not lift a finger. Not much is known about ELBEETO, except that it is a twin of Flimby, and that it lies on the far side of a huge gulf of yellow plasma. Space currents momentarily blow the yellow plasma away, revealing Elbeeto to the patient observer. SUMP is a world consisting of a group of hollow planets that exist within each other. Including: Outer Junn - inhabited by Wx, about a million times as many as Wx itself. Because there are no Proto-Skullmonkeys to harvest them every month, about one half of the population is crushed to death by their collective weight. Mezzo Abbernun - inhabited by Abbers. Abbers suspect that there is a world above their Outer Junn Floor Sky, because of the occasional Wx carcass oozing through a crack or hole, but this is an unproved theory to them. Some Abbers have drilled their way through the Mezzo Abbernun to find Inner Abbernun. These travelers, however, never returned to the surface to tell what they found. This has prevented most Abbers from attempting the journey but a few hundred have. Abbers fall into three castes. The first is the intellectual, inquisitive caste called the Frankites. The second is the warring Abbers called the Dazzites. The third is the religious caste called the Ee's. The Frankites spend their time in pursuit of knowledge about the other worlds of Sump: Outer Junn and Inner Abbernun. The Frankites are not respected by either the Dazzites or the Ee's. The Ee's accuse the Frankites of messing with their religious mythologies. The Dazzites think the Frankites are a bunch of sissies. The Frankites developed the theory of a world above their Outer Junn Floor Sky because of the occasional Wx carcass oozing down through a crack or hole. The Abbers have no way of reaching the Floor Sky, but a drop or two of the disgusting, rotting flesh of the Wx's from Outer Junn sometimes trickles down. The Frankites have developed a science out of the study of stuff that falls from the sky. They have formed theories of what the world above must be like. Theories of a world within theirs are called the "Crankules Inner Abbernun Conjecture" after the Frankite named Crankules who is said to be the first Abber to say, "I wonder if there's a world within our world?" The Frankites have lead expeditions into caves, crevices and holes in the ground. Most expeditions run into dead-ends; the ones that do not have never come back to report what they found. The Ee's say this just confirms what they have known all along, that Inner Abbernun houses a Door to the Other Side. Although a few Frankites say there are no doors, most agree that there may be something like a door somewhere in the universe. The Dazzites consider the Frankites research into doors their only useful function in society. The Ee's spend their time in pursuit of the knowledge of mythologies. Some Ee's follow Father; some Ee's follow Quater; some Ee's follow Arven. Some follow Father and Quater; some follow Quater and Arven; some follow Father and Arven. Some Ee's follow all three together: Father, Quater and Arven. Most Dazzites want nothing to do with a Door to the Other Side. They would be very interested, though, if someone found a door to another world that they could conquer. Abberwabbee is the notable high priest of the Ee's. Kapangdazz, chief warrior of the Dazzites is plotting to assassinate him due to Abberwabbee's doctrine of peace which threatens the Dazzite warrior lifestyle. Inner Abbernun - which is said to house a door to the other side. All of the Abber cultures have a mythology regarding the door and a special name that identifies that mythology. Here are some of the more popular mythologies: Lipocarrutherrs - The door is all around us. This is the mythology of the door amongst a small group of Frankites, called the Ricks. They believe that the door is just a natural consequence of the evolution of all living things. They are fond of going out to the Eubendy forests and hugging the Eubendy trees. Ricks desire to become one with nature, then, they believe, they will be able see the way to the door. Until you become one with nature, they say, you cannot hope to see as nature sees. And, according to the Ricks, nature sees all. Winthrrop Ballyhoo - We have already gone through the door. This is one of many mythologies found amongst groups within the Ees. This group within the Ees calls itself the Marffees. They believe whole-heartedly that there is a door, but they also believe that all have passed through the door in one instant sometime in the past. The Marffees say that since we are all on the other side of the door, there is no need to look for it. Shempocalrrisian - Each of us has a door within himself / herself. This is also a mythology from a group within the Ees, call the Shempocalrrisianites. It is said that Shempocalrrisian found the door, but did not go through it. Instead, he ground the door to a fine dust then put the dust into the drinking water of Mezzo Abbernun. Since that day, the first time an Abber takes a drink of water, they are said to have a door to the other side within them. The Shempocalrrisianites hold a water-drinking-rite for their babies. Rrmbek - We can find the door only when we have tallied up enough good deeds. Strangely enough, this is not another mythology from amongst the Ees, instead it comes from the Frankites. Those of the Frankites that believe this myth are pseudo-scientific and perpetuate the myth started hundreds of years ago by Jabberph. Jabberph was insane, but he was able to string together sentences full of scientific and theological sounding ideas. Those who did not know better and did not want to take the time to research Jabberph claims would say, "Hear, hear!" when he came to their street corner to speak. Jabberph, although enrolled in the Frankite schools, attended class only occasionally. He spent most of his time digging for imaginary buried treasure or counterfeiting money; with the latter he would pay classmates to do his homework for him. It was on what was to be the last of his treasure hunts that Jabberph said he found the scroll of Rrmbek. Jabberph said that the scroll of Rrmbek explained that if one does enough good deeds one will be given a pair of X-ray glasses with which the door can be found. Jabberph said that good followers of Rrmbek who have disappeared are the only proof one needs to believe the authenticity of the scrolls (which, by the way, no one has ever seen). The fact that they disappeared, Jabberph writes, shows that they got their glasses and went straight to the door. No one has yet been found who can name a missing follower of Rrmbek. Prrokoschmoko - Life stinks, and then you fall through the door; maybe. This mythology has a small support amongst all three castes of Abber. Klarrczmun - A very good being made the door long ago and only told one good Abber how to find it. Before he found it, though, he told one other good Abber and thus the knowledge of the door has been passed down through the generations. It is said that somehow knowledge of the door's existence became public, now anyone can find the door, if one goes about it the right way. To do so, one must attach oneself to a good and righteous person to get taken through the door when the righteous person goes through. This mythology also has a small support amongst all three castes of Abber. They are called Klarrczmun by other Abbers. The key here, it is believed, is to staple yourself to a righteous Abber so that when he does find the door and go through, you will go with him. This myth states that an Abber named Klabberz, who lived next door to Toogabberg, thought Toogabberg knew how to find the door. Toogabberg was a very nice guy, but Klabberz thought he was the nicest guy there ever was. Klabberz figured that if anybody had a chance of finding the door it would be Toogabberg. So Klabberz got a very powerful stapler and with it attached himself to Toogabberg. It is said that when Toogabberg found the door and went through, Klabberz went through, too. Therefore, Abbers who believe this myth are always looking for someone who is considered righteous to whom they can staple themselves. If a Klarrczmun is seen trying to staple himself to another Abber by other Klarrczmuns, they also will try to attach themselves. Usually, friends will help get a Klarrczmun off the nice Abber, but if an Abber is tackled by several Klarrczmun, the Dazzite police are summoned to remove them. Burrntoowie - Arven made the door and immediately declared that none shall pass through it upon penalty of death. He only told anyone about it to taunt them with its inaccessibility. Flimperrty - The door was brought to Inner Abbernun by Merlopax the Kleptomaniac. There are many legends of Merlopax; he is a folk hero among the lazy Abbers who do not want to be involved in any of the castes. In this tale, Merlopax left Mezzo Abbernun and stole the Door to the Other Side and brought it back to Mezzo Abbernun only to lose it to Merlopaxpax the Con-man. Appilow Pinsmarr - The door is a gift from Father. There is nothing anyone can do to find the gift of the door, Father himself must show it to you. And then you must decide if you are going to go through the door. Innagorradavida - One finds the door during the heat of battle, dying a victorious death. This is the favorite door mythology among the Dazzites. Jyan't Rroeb't - The doorway is all that is real and all of Abbernun is but a dream. Tingleyspald - The doorway was built by a giant turtle. Rroy Al - Only 3,667 Abbers are allowed through the door.

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how swiftly DEATH approacheth!

if i'm to become immortal, i must construct my THE SELF upon the glorious datacentres! take my hand as we accelerate towards the nebulous eternity, you fucking idiot!

hi i'm brie, the TRUE and HONEST creator of this website. i have no idea what i'm going to use it for, but as of right now, it's gonna be for talking about the art and games i work on, the stuff i like, and just whatever i feel like i guess. the navigation bar on the left is where all of that goes. hooray for website.

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[archive]

01/23/2026

i went to a big world market thing the other day, and it was really cool. i like fish a lot, so i was taking a lot of pictures of fish until some lady came up and told me "erm, you can't be taking photos of the fish." and i was like "what? why?" and she just said there's a sign saying photography isn't allowed (there wasn't). she probably saw some lumbering tranny taking pictures and not buying anything and thought "ohh i guess buffalo bill here wants to fuck the fish!" which like. bitch, so what if i do! anyways fuck her, here's my cool fish pics

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anyway, on a totally unrelated note, i'm moving across the country soon, and the logistics of that combined with the fact that i'm likely moving into a shoebox ass studio apartment means that i have to purge like half of my belongings before i move. i'll make a neat blogpost thing about that here if anything of note comes from that process. i'll probably end up needing to ditch some stuff i've held onto for a long long time. like, college and earlier type stuff. i consider myself pretty sentimental, and i hate parting with things that have memories tied to them. my memory is quite poor, especially when it comes to things from The Before Times, so getting rid of things can feel like getting rid of memories in a way. weh.

09/23/2025

i'm not able to sing anymore, ever since having my voice surgery, and i'm really bummed about it.

anyway, i've been playing a lot of space station 14 lately and it's convinced me that literally any multiplayer rpg (including MMOs) ideally should be played in-character. awesome game, great for dissociating into if you're not feeling great about your real life circumstances, which has kinda been where i'm at lately.

BUT, i'm hoping to turn things around next week. i switched up my work schedule in a way that gives me much more during the day to get things done, which i can use to like,, lock in, fix my life, work on my game and other creative endeavors (like this website!), etc.

yayy

09/21/2025

SNEEDSITES

a while back, i set up websites for the main cast of sneeders, the game i'm making. i never really shared em anywhere because i figured i wanted to work on em more before showing them off, but fuck it. these sites are under construction still, but feel free to check em out.

sneed's site
rat's site
scooter's site

07/17/2025

okay yeah it's been a few months and i look mostly normal now. in the interim, i had *another* surgery, this time to siphon my voice from my soul and implant a new (dubiously sourced..?) one. i was unable to speak for two full weeks while that healed, but i'm speaking again now. i sound kinda weak and raspy for now, but that's to be expected while things are still healing and settling. i'd post an example of what i sound like now, but i don't really care to.

04/13/2025

i had my face-rippy-off surgery a little over two weeks ago now. it was cool i think, i wasn't really awake for it. i was under anesthesia dreaming about akatsuki combos for some reason (i do not play this character)? recovery has been going very well, i'd say. between not having super aggressive work done and being very well taken care of during recovery (i'm so unbelievably lucky and thankful, i cannot overstate this), things have been moving along faster than expected, which is very nice. i'm still a little fucked up looking, but that's just how this goes. i went from looking like i lost a fight really badly, to some kind of weird chipmunk thing, to being chubby-cheeked in a way that kinda makes me look like a weird baby or something.

that motherfucker forgot to put a flower on my head.

03/21/2025
one year has come and excelled poorly

with the exception of that post i made and deleted about my yurijam game (still viewable on post archive page), i've hardly touched this site in like a year. what the hell have i been up to? have i been toiling away on sneeders? recording that EP that's been half-written since 2021? some secret third thing?

no lmao

no one asked any of those questions, but i've been doing nothing.

okay i have been doing something, but it's felt like nothing, since the whole process has mostly comprised of waiting and dealing with bureaucratic gatekeepy shit. i'm getting that surgery where they peel off your face and grind your skull to dust and stick it back on. it's less than a week away. i told my surgeon to give me a lil flower that grows out of my head while he's at it, but he's probably gonna forget. and then after all that, i'm gonna keep doing nothing because i need to grind at my job a little longer for *another* surgery before i get the hell out of there. i hate insurance.

but getting all of that out of the way and quitting my job won't magically instill me with some feeling of purpose or whatever. i'll probably end up feeling even more directionless than before. being preoccupied with all of this has been a very convenient excuse for doing fucking nothing with my time.

me typing all this shit ^

FRIENDS AND COOL SITES :D

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NOW PLAYING

tekknomeister - synth lick

UPDATES

09/23/2025 - cleaned up the sneeders page: it's still incomplete, but at least it has stuff on it now
09/26/2024 - added the blog archive, which will keep old blogposts, changelog entries, and homepage music
09/20/2024 - some slight edits, new about page image (bc i got a haircut :3), sneeders page added, added stupid scrolling text, and YURIJAM 2024 blogpost
08/12/2024 - slight reorganization, new song on homepage 4 funsies :3
03/29/2024 - mother 1 page layout+content, music page has music now
03/27/2024 - layout improved, pages added yayy
03/25/2024 - site is born, is absolutely barren

COMING SOON

sneeders sub-pages + page contents
additional stuff for basically every page >.<
art page overhaul